Symphony of Solemnity
by xTamarax
Summary: I won’t give my heart away so easily this time. So Quincy, when and if you get it, don’t break it or I’ll break you, I can promise you that.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If I owned IS, I would not be writing this.

Spoilers: I'm not too sure. Let's just play pretend and say that Tommy and Sadie got back together after "Hallelujah" (I know, I know. WTF? Right? Well it's only for storyline purposes). Guess the story just kinda goes on its own.

A/N: This is my first venture into the Instant Star fan fiction realm. So please feel free to constructively criticize , praise, or do as you see fit. I hope you enjoy reading this.

I'm not too entirely sure where this is going, but I have an idea of where I want this to go and who I want to end up with who (Jommy shipper here, but I'm also a sucker for an unconventional pairing, hint hint). But there will be no mushy stuff right away. I'm more an of angst, I-don't-believe-in-fairy-tales kind of girl. But it is nice to dream. LOL.

This part is on the short side, just a little prologue. Let me know if you want more.

**Prologue: Something Like Feeling**

She lay there on her back, motionless and in complete silence, body aching and sweaty. Her brilliant eyes staring at the nothingness of the ceiling above her, trapping her there. Laying there in completely darkness, she shivered, instinctively pulling the thin sheet closer so it conformed to her body, like a second skin, like something to protect her.

The room was cold, except for the man next too her. Fear leaving her there paralyzed, unsure of whether or not she should move closer to the warm-blooded body that had just moments ago made her feel anything but cold. She missed that feeling already. And she hated that. Hated herself. Hated that she felt needy and wanted to be comforted. That was never who she wanted to be, never her intentions. Then again it was never her intention to end up right where she was at this very moment.

She lay there afraid to say something, anything. More like not knowing what too say. She blinked, suddenly wishing there was some light in the room. Then maybe that way she could have at least stared at the ceiling and counted the numerous cracks in it, keeping her from thinking. Thinking hurt too much, just like everything else. It always did. No matter what her thoughts somehow shifted to _him._

No, No, NO! She yelled inside her head. She would not do this know. She refused. She laughed bitterly inside her head. And here she was reprimanding herself. If things were the way things were supposed to be, she wouldn't be lying here thinking about _him. _She should be thinking about the person lying next to her, who did things to and with her that a good little girl would never do. But nothing was ever the way it was supposed to be. It was official. She was a firm believer that life was cruel.

She exhaled deeply and let on the breathe she had been unconsciously holding. She couldn't take this silence anymore. It was too loud. Any longer and she would lose what shred of sanity she had left.

"I don't think I can move," she stated matter-of-factly, her breathing still a little ragged.

She could hear him try and suppress a laugh, but he choked on it instead.

"It wasn't supposed to be funny."

"I know. It just that, well, after what we just did you shouldn't be able to move at all, girl," he said before he could catch himself with the last word. _Fuck _he thought to himself. He bit his tongue but it was too late. He could feel her flinch and shift uncomfortably.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't think-" He started to apologize but his words were cut off by her lips roughly upon his, her tongue tracing his lip and pulling away before he could open his mouth and grant her full access. He understood. It was her way of shutting him up and saying there was nothing to be sorry about.

Jude settle back into the bed, once again laying on her back, staring into oblivion.

"You'd think I would be over it by now. Look at me. I'm fucking pathetic. I just…I…I don't know…" she searched for the words to try and explain but there were none.

He moved so the he was on his side, but used his forearm to prop himself up, so that he was almost hovering over her.

"You don't owe me an explanation. I understand, Jude. Honestly I do," he spoke hoping she would be at some ease with his words, but his voice betrayed him. Jude could hear the strain and hurt in him too. Jude contemplated how sick it really was too find comfort in his pain.

She swallowed hard, fighting back the tears that were threatening too fall. She could feel fingertips grazing the side of her face before he reached for a blonde strand and brushed it away from her face. It was then that she noticed the room seemed a little brighter. Her gaze shifted too behind him where the brilliant, white moon was now brighter than ever, illuminating the room so she was able too make the outline of his well-defined body out.

Her porcelain skin glowed in the moonlight and her eyes glistened with the tears that were lingering there, but she stubbornly refused to let fall. Typical Jude. Stubborn. It made him smile.

"You're beautiful," he stated.

"I'm a mess."

"Ok. You're a beautiful mess."

For the first time in a while, a slight smile played across her delicate face. He placed a chaste kiss upon her lips, letting his linger on hers for a moment.

He once again laid down on his back ,mimicking her position, a companionable silence falling between them for what seemed an eternity. Nothing needed to be said. No meaningless, empty promises of "I love you" that would be broken anyways. No voices of regrets because there were none. They weren't lovers, or committing themselves too each other, nor were they 'friends with benefits'. No, they were more than the latter. They were two people who needed something, needed this, more than anything ever before. Needing too feel something besides hurt and pain.

His large hand grasped hers, their fingers entwining together. At this moment Jude had never been more grateful for anything or anyone. He was giving her something to hold on too. Something to remind her she was alive. Yet this was the most god-damned twisted thing she had never even imagined.

Jude realized it was ok too feel the pain, hurt, anger, and emptiness she had been trying to keep locked away. It was ok because he got it and wouldn't judge her for it. She rolled over and moved closer, attaching herself to his body. She rested her head upon his strong, bare chest feeling the rise and fall of him breathing with her, in sync.

"Damn it. How did we get here?" she asked almost rhetorically. "How did everything get so fucked up? How did it get to this point? How did we get here, Kwest?" she spoke while her hot, salty tears branded his chest.

He didn't say anything because they both knew the answer. All Kwest could do was hold her as she cried for herself, for _him, _and for the thing called love that they both wished never existed.

**End Prologue**

Well, there it is folks. The introduction to what is hopefully a good story.

I know there is probably a lot of you going WTF? Jwest? And where is the Jommy? Lol. Well I guess good things come to those who wait. But it may take a while.

You all will learn the backstory to this in future chapters. That is if you want. So don't forget to hit that review button.

And I thank you for taking the time to read this.

Tamara


	2. Today's Weather: Slightly Sarcastic with

Disclaimer: I disclaim.

A/n: To all of you who reviewed, I thank you so much. I really didn't even think this was going to get 2 reviews, but 10 just blew me away. You guys rock.

**Aubili- **My first reviewer. Brownie points for you…literally. I was going to write a Jommy one shot, but this just kind of grew a mind of its own. More drama this way, I guess. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy this next little chapter.

**Angel422- **Thanks for the review. Glad I have the ability to shock people J I'm not even sure where this is going myself. I'll probably throw in a few more twists her and there. I'm interested too see where I'm going to take this too. I'm kind of writing as I go along. Anyways, thanks for the review and I hope you like this chapter.

**OneStepFromTheEdge- **I'm glad you liked it. Love the pen name, btw.

**Chloe- **more? Ask and you shall receive.

**Slvrstrchk- **Thanks for your kind words. I'm new to the IS fan fic and I wasn't sure if anyone else has written something like this. It's good to be different. I sincerely hope I don't disappoint you with the rest of this story.

**Adrienne- **Muchas gracias.

**Tommy4eva- **I'm happy to hear you liked this. Trust me, I love Jommy too, so this was acutally kind of weird to write, but I like Kwest too. I think he's an underused character. Hope you keep reading! Thanks again.

**ThatGirlYouCanTrust- **Thanks for the review. I think I've seen your pen name on the 'Dirty Little Secret' board (mine is faydidXhopes. Im a newbie there). I didn't cheat…I just….ok well I kind of did cheat, lol. It helps me to write when I use some imagery so I can kind of see it playing out in my head. Ok, so I checked and you are the one who writes Touched. Have I told you how much I love that stor? It's soooo good. Well I'm going to stop rambling now. Please keep reading, and writing too.

**JadedxLOVE: **Glad someone caught the 'girl' thing. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing and your encouragement. It helps knowing the people like what you're writing.

**Dudddley111- **Wicked is my favorite word! LOL. Thanks for the review. I'm posting as fast as I can, lol.

Well, thanks so much you guys. My goal is one chapter a week. Also, I'll be introducing a new character as well. Please keep reading and reviewing. Hope I don't disappoint.

**Chapter 1: Today's weather: slightly sarcastic with a chance of hate….**

Jude Harrison was slightly intoxicated. No doubt about that. Her blue eyes stared endlessly into the small glass containing her choice of clear poison. She almost questioned if whether or not she should drink it. She could feel her lips tingling, going slightly numb. They had a tendency to do that when she was starting too get drunk. _Fuck it._

She raised the glass in mock salute to someone who wasn't there, and slammed it down, no longer flinching at the alcohol burning her throat, but savoring it. Swallow and burn. Simple as that. Nothing too complicated about that.

Jude licker her lips, tasting every last drop. She placed the shot glass down on the bar and nodded her head towards the attractive bartender.

"Braden, darling, keep 'em coming," she said. The 6'2'' male specimen raised an eyebrow at her, concern glinting in his green eyes. He stalked over to her and placed his hands on the black, shiny bar top and looked her dead on.

"Jude, sweetheart, don't you think you should slow down, just a little bit?"

Jude giggled and reached up with her slender hand and ruffled his already spiked black hair. "Aw, I'm fine don't you worry your pretty little head about me, B. I'm just fine."

Braden only shook his head, and frowned at her. Braden had only know her a few months. His band had been signed on at G-major, thanks to much persuading from Jude. His band wasn't exactly Darius's style, but Jude had seen his band play on a night out with his cousin Patsy. Jude had insisted they play for a meeting she would set up with Darius. Too bad it was more like an ambush. She had them play on the night of her 19th birthday party, instead of her singing. Darius was not pleased at first, but she argued and told Darius that people were sick of 'corporate bullshit bands' and needed something new. Three days later they were recording in Studio B. and Jude in studio C, courtesy of Darius.

Anyways, him and Jude clicked instantly, he becoming her surrogate big brother. Jude confided in him, like she used to do with Jamie, until he moved to New York with Patsy. He knew about everything from the time when she was 7 and put red dye in Sadie's shampoo bottle to her Dad's affair to the "truth" about a certain ex-boy bander. A certain ex-boy bander that he nearly strangled with his bare hands, but that's another story.

"Jude, come on. Call someone for a ride and go home. Get some sleep. Big day tomorrow," he reminded her.

"No, I want to have some fun. Come on, Braden. Just one more, and then U'll call Kwest to come and get me pweeease" she pouted giving him her puppy dog eyes. He sighed and reached for another shot glass. She smiled gloating in her victory. She always won.

Jude hadn't been the same these last few weeks, and he had a feeling he knew why. Though she claimed to him time and time again she was over it, over _him_, her eyes said other wise. He saw her wipe away the tears when no she thought no one else was looking. He saw it in her music, her lyrics. But she refused to let him in when it came to that subject. He saw it in her behavior. A few months ago Jude would not have spent 2 nights a week getting plastered at Castle, the bar/club which he worked part time. And the other 5 nights a week he had no idea where she was. But she seemed okay, a little more like herself on those days. Until she saw Tommy, that is. He also had sneaky suspicion there was something she was hiding. She was slipping away from him and from everyone else, except Kwest.

They had been spending a lot of time together lately, but when he asked her about it all she said was "_He gets it." _Nothing more, nothing less. Then she would smile sadly and go back to playing her guitar, or write in her notebook, or find some other mindless indulgence too occupy her time. Braden didn't push her. He knew she was breaking and it was killing him that she wouldn't let him help. So all he could do was be there when she needed him.

Braden handed the blonde her drink.

"That's it. No more. You and Kwest gotta be at the studio to record. Not to mention the engagement party. Drink this and I'll call Kwest."

Jude nodded her head in thanks. "Love ya, B," Jude said sincerely in her intoxicated state. Braden smiled and walked over to the other side of the counter where the phone was. His fingers started dialing Kwest's number, knowing she would forget to call him, and he glanced back too see a guy hitting on Jude and her smiling flirtatiously back at him. He could tell from one look at the guy that he was trouble. He was whispering in her ear, and placed his hands on her hips, where here skin was exposed. '_Damn it.'. _He always told her not to wear the short leather skirt and skin tight corset.

He picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.

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"What are you doing here?" he asked, standing in the door, glaring harshly at his unwelcome visitor.

"I'm looking for Jude," she stated matter-of-factly.

"Well you're not going to find her here," he stated, silently praying God would send her away. She didn't budge. He let out a sigh and looked at her. Torture. Pure fucking torture.

"I tried the studio, and her cell ,and her apartment, and Braden's. She is nowhere to be found," she informed him. Kwest thanked god that she wasn't there tonight, like she usually was 4 or 5 nights out of the week. Suddenly he wondered where the hell Jude really was then? She had said she would be with Braden.

"I'm not her keeper," Kwest said, but he was struggling inside with worry and fear. Worried about Jude. Fear of the woman in front of him and the things she made him want and think.

She brushed past him, and forced her way into the penthouse, and Kwest had too bite his lip from hissing as her body brushed up against his as she made her way inside. He slammed the door behind him, knowing she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. And she was going to kill him, standing there in her white skirt, pink tank top, toned tan legs and arms exposed for the world too see, and her lips shiny from the strawberry lip gloss he knew so well. One manicured hand clutched her purse while the other ran a hand through her blonde hair. Her eyes taunted him. _Liar _they screamed.

"You sure about that, Kwest? You and Jude seem awfully…_close _lately," she said a smirk on her lips.

He stared at the woman in front of him made him want to confess everything then and there. Kwest had never wanted anything more in his life. But then he remembered this is the one who destroyed him and made him and Jude what they are. Made them do what they do.

"I guess you could say that," he replied not discrediting the innuendo of her comments. "I guess you can just say we've got some things in common, and we're definitely closer than we use to be, " he finished.

He could have sworn he saw jealousy flash in her eyes. His victory was short lived when she stepped closer to him.

"Don't worry, Kevin. I won't tell Tommy;" she whispered in his ear and stayed close, her lips lingering near his ear lobe. His breathing had become slightly heavier with her in such a close proximity to his, her warm breathe against his skin, her body so close to his. He wanted so badly too grab her and kiss her and make her feel everything he had felt the last year. But that feeling was gone as soon as she mentioned Tommy's name. He pushed her away and she smiled evilly and her eyes danced with amusement. She thought she had won this one.

He glared at her. "There's nothing to tell," he spat at her trying to convince her, "Besides why would it matter even if there was?" he added for good measure. She still stood there, this time completely silent. She sighed in defeat.

"Look I didn't come here to fight with you. I was just looking for Jude."

"Why?" he questioned.

"I miss her. And believe it or not, I do care about her," she said sadness evident in her voice. Good. It was time to know the damage she had done. As much as Kwest didn't want to hurt her, he couldn't deal with this. She never thought things through. Always cared about others last. She was selfish. He was proof of that. Jude was proof of that.

Jude. He felt his heart tug a little at her name. He wasn't _in_ love with her, but he did love her. She cared that he was hurt. She was getting him through this. And he owed her. And someone had to care about her back. And it sure as hell wasn't going to be Tommy.

"You care about her? My God. You should have thought about that before you put that rock on your finger," he said grabbing her left hand and motioning towards the 3 karat, pink diamond set in platinum before flicking her hand away in disgust.

"If you cared at all about Jude, you would have thought about it before you married him!"

Kwest swallowed hard when he saw her fight back tears. He had to stop himself from reaching out to touch her. _No. She deserves to hear that. She did this. She hurt you, and Jude. She reaps what she sews._

"Just get out. I'll tell her you're looking for her," he said trying too sounds as bitter as he could. He saw her bite her lip and her mascara running from the tears she was crying. She nodded her head ok. She walked to the door and opened it, but not before pausing to turn around and look at him.

"Kwest, I…I'm sorry," she said, her words broken by her tears.

"It's too late for that, Sadie." And with that Sadie walked out, shutting the door, and breaking him once more.

a

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"No, stop," Jude said as she tried to push the man away, but failed. She had no strength left. He kept trying to kiss her, but she was refusing. Steve, as the man called himself, had been trying too feel her up all night, and trying to convince her to come home with him. Jude may have been drunk, but she was still conscious. All she had wanted was too have a little fun, drink a little, and not to feel. Like always, there was some asshole trying to ruin take it all away. Trying to break her.

"Come on, baby, you know you like it," he said as he grabbed her wrists roughly and pushed her against bar. Jude struggled some more, but there was nothing left. All the alcohol had consumed her and there was nothing left to fight anymore.

"Leggo of me," she pleaded, her voice strained, squeezing her eyes shut in an attempt to make him disappear. The man refused and leaned into her, but suddenly Jude felt weightlessness against her and she opened her eyes too see Braden standing in front of her, guarding her and then pulling her into a hug, a shield of defense. Unable to hold anything back, Jude threw herself into him. He just held on tighter. Jude heard a crowd gathering around and wondered what was going on. She looked over to the side and with her blurry vision she was able too see the mans face being smashed against the cold bar top that was covered with excess drops of alcohol and cigarette ashes.

"You don't ever fucking go near her again!" a man instructed, his voice cold and harsh. His hands were pressing down against the mans skull and back of his neck. "Do I make myself clear?"

He loosened his grip too fell the man nod his head in agreement only to apply pressure once more to get his point across. He grabbed the man, who was in his late 20's, pulled him up roughly and tossed him into the crowd.

In her drunken state, she realized who he was. Blue eyes met blue eyes. She could never forget them. Never. Not matter how hard she tried, wanted, or wished him away. She never wanted him to see her like this. He'd know she was weak. He couldn't see her weak because then he would know she still cared. She wouldn't have that. No. Not after what he did.

She turned her attention to Braden, ignoring Tommy's approaching presence.

"Braden?" she questioned. " I thought Kwest was taking me home. Where is he?"

"I called and his phone was off. Then I tried SME but no answer. Tommy's going to take you home, Jude. I have to stay here and close, so I had to call Quincy to take you home," he explained making sure she understood Tommy was the last resort.. Jude just glared at him, hurt and betrayal in her eyes.

"Fuck you, Braden."

Braden took her face in his hands. "I'm sorry Jude, but I had no option. At least I know you'll get home safe. Love you," he said as he placed a friendly, little chaste kiss on her lips. She nodded her head in understanding. He turned to Tommy, who was glaring at him.

"None of the would have been necessary if you had been watching her," Tommy spat at the 22 year old. "And sure as hell wouldn't have happened if she had been sober," he said placing the blame on Braden.

"First of all Quincy, I had too serve the VIP room, so I told my boy Carlos too look after her, who came and got me the second he saw the guy practically groping her. And by the way, if you haven't noticed by now, Jude's 19 and legal. She can do as she wants. But I'm sure you noticed, you just don't give a damn about anyone but yourself," Braden said as he got in Tommy's face.

"You don't know anything, so shut your damn mouth before I do it for you. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to take Jude home."

Tommy grabbed Jude's hand in an attempt to lead her out of the bar, but she yanked away from him.

"Jude, please," he pleaded, "Just try and be civil. Just let me take you home, girl."

"Don't you ever call me that!" Jude yelled, eyes flashing with an anger he had never seen in her before, as she stormed in front of him, leading her own way out, Tommy following close behind her. He couldn't help but notice the way some of the guys looked at her and he had to suppress the urge to beat the living hell out of them for even looking at her. The same way he wanted to strangle Braden for kissing Jude, even if it just was a friendly gesture.

They finally made it to his viper and Jude sat in the passenger seat while Tommy sat in the drivers seat, fumbling with the keys in his hand and staring at the gold band that took Jude away from him. He wanted so badly too look at her, but he couldn't face the look of hatred and anger in her eyes when she saw him. He had never needed someone more in his life than her. But in typical Tom Quincy fashion he ruined it. Ruined what they were and what the had or could have had. He ruined them. He ruined her.

The girl that was sitting next to him wasn't the Jude he knew. Jude didn't go out and get plastered. Jude didn't ignore him every time he said 'hi.' Jude didn't run out of a room every time he walked into it.

"Can we just go already?" Jude asked quietly. "I'm not feeling so good," she stated wrapping her arms around stomach.

Tommy nodded in silence and started the car. And just like he had never needed anybody more in his life than Jude, he had never loathed anybody more than he did himself right now.

**End chapter 1**

There you have it. This chapter was just too kind of give you a little background with Kwest/ Sadie and a set up for the next chapter. How bad does it suck? It's like 1 in the morning so please excuse any typos.

Not much action with Jommy or Jwest, but there will be in the coming chapters. I hope you guys at least somewhat enjoyed it, so please don't forget to hit that review button.

Title of this chapter are lyrics that belong to Panic! at the disco.

Next chapter:

"**_I hate myself everyday for falling in love with you, Tommy."_**

"**_Don't you think it's just a little fucked up that sometimes I pretend you're him and you pretend she's me?"_**


	3. Your Heart Seems So Cold Tonight

**Disclaimer: I disclaim.**

**Chapter 2**: "**_You're heart seems so cold tonight…"_**

He sat there, slouched, hands clasped together, staring at her sleeping form. Blonde hair fanning out on the dingy couch, one hand resting over her abdomen, and the other falling limply off the side of the couch. He sat on the makeshift chair consisting of a plastic crate with an old, throw pillow as a cushion, in complete silence. The only sound was Jude breathing deeply.

He didn't blink. No, not once. Studying her, subconsciously trying to memorize everything about her that he hadn't already, if that was possible.

_Rise. Fall. Inhale Exhale. _

Tommy watched her stomach rise and fall with the rhythm of her breathing and found his breathing matching hers. He heard her murmur something and was snapped out of his hypnotic-like state.

He sighed deeply and ran his fingers through his short, brown hair, remembering every inebriated word she said earlier that night to him, like poison to his veins. Never before has he seen Jude so angry, so brutal, so torn down. Never before had he seen anyone cry as much as she had. Never before had he hated himself more. And never before had Tom Quincy loved someone as much as he the girl lying passed out drunk on the couch. And he would never love anyway the same way he loved Jude Harrison.

But he was an arrogant asshole. He knew that. He pushed her away. He made them this way, and he made her hate him. He made her think he didn't love her, when he really did. He was an arrogant asshole in love. None of that mattered. She would never believe him. She didn't believe him. She didn't believe in him.

That was the last thought he would think before he went to sleep that night, if he ever got to sleep that is.

He stood up and walked to where she was. He stood over her, staring down. His hand found it's way to her soft, golden lockes. He ran his fingers though her hair, ever-so-gently, and then leaned down and place a kiss on her forehead.

"I wish I could tell you the truth. I really do," he whispered before he pulled away.

Tommy gathered the beat up pillow he had been sitting on and placed it on the floor next to the couch. He laid down, shifting uncomfortably trying to find an even more slightly more comfortable position. His shivered from the coldness of the hard floor through his shirt.

He laid still for a few moments, staring up at the cracked, dingy far up ceiling, trying to get his body to relax.

_Rise. Fall. Inhale. Exhale._

He felt something warm hit him lightly on the face. His hand reached up and grasped for hers instinctively. He turned on his side, never letting go of her hand. He stared at the pale, porcelain delicate hand he held in his large, calloused one. He ran his fingers over hers, tracing them.

He jumped away when the shrill ringing of her phone sounded. He reached for her jacket that she had so casually tossed missing the couch, causing it too land on the floor. He reached inside her pocket and pulled it out, glancing up to see if it had disturbed her.

She just continued with her deep slumber. He placed his finger on the volume button on the side of the phone to silence it. But not without looking at the caller ID.

_Kwest._

Why the hell was Kwest calling her at 2:45 in the morning? He hit the volume button silencing the phone, but not without curiosity and perhaps a twinge of jealousy or anger rising inside him.

Something wasn't right. You don't call someone at 2:45 in the morning, unless it's one of three things:

1. An emergency. Nope. Kwest would have called him.

2. Drunk Dialing. Kwest didn't get drunk. Yes he drank, but drunk? Never.

3. A late night hookup.

Suddenly a thought hit Tommy. Jude's words resounding in his brain, nagging him, left over from their argument that night.

"_You didn't have to walk me to my door, Tom," she slurred slightly. "I can my find my own, um, my own…studio." She pushed away from Tommy , who had practically carried her up the stairs, and leaned against the wall_

"_Yeah sure."_

"_Shut up yes I can!" she yelled drunkenly._

"_Jude."_

"_What?" she snapped._

"_You're standing in front of the wrong door. That's not your studio," he pointed out trying to not laugh. _

_She looked up. 305._

"_Oh shut up. I was only off by one number," Jude stated defensively. _

"_Whatever you say sweetheart," he smirked. _

"_Leave before I puke all over you shoes, pretty boy," Jude commanded as she shot him her beast death glare. If she hadn't been drunk he might have actually been intimidated._

"_No, not until you get inside. Now where are your keys?" _

_Jude looked at the floor, trying to think. She patted her coat pocket. Nope no keys._

"_Um , I can't remember," she whispered embarrassed._

_Tommy rolled his eyes. "That's great. Where was the last place you had them?"_

_Jude looked at him like he was stupid. If she remembered where they were do you think she would have been standing here with him of all people?_

"_If I knew that, I wouldn't be standing here now would I?"_

"_You know for someone who is severely intoxicated you still can't shut up. Not to mention you're speech is impeccable," Tommy remarked._

"_I'm drunk not stupid. So now if you're not going to help me then just leave. I don't want you here anyways. I don't need your help," Jude stated bitterly._

"_Jude don't start…" he pleaded. He didn't want to do this with her here, now, in the middle of her hallway at 2 o'clock in the morning._

"_No, I think it's time to know what I really think about you,' she insisted her arms folded across her chest. She pushed off the wall that she had her back to, supporting her. She suddenly felt a little dizzy and was having a hard time keeping her balance. She felt her legs giving way._

_Jude looked up in surprise, expecting to hit the floor, but strong arms caught her._

"_Let's just get you inside, then you can yell at me," he said, his eyes meeting hers. She looked away before she started to cry again._

_One look into his eyes and she could fell herself start to fall again. Then she remembers he's not hers to call her own. _

_She let herself fall every time. Over and over. No matter what he does, she always lets him back him. No. Not this time. She can't. Not now. Not ever._

"_Ok," she whispered letting him support her. The sooner she was inside, the sooner she was away from him and the sooner she was safe._

"_Spare Key," she suddenly remembered. "Under the piece of carpet by the door."_

_Tommy leaned down, taking Jude with him. He noticed a piece of carpet that had been ripped and lifted from the floor. He pulled it back to reveal a dull, metal key._

_He quickly unlocked the door, leading Jude inside. She struggled to break free of him, but she felt cold at the sudden lack of contact with his body. She leaned into him more, and Tommy couldn't help but to smile. He missed this. He missed _her

"_I think I can stand now."_

"_You sure?"_

"_Yeah," she replied and he let go of her. Jude steadied herself and she ripped of her jacket and tossed it to the couch, but missed. It fell to the floor._

_Jude let out a frustrated sigh. _

"_You can leave now," she said without turning to look at him. She could feel him looking at her, sending a tingle up her spine. She couldn't turn around. Her she was in her studio alone with him. And she wanted nothing more than to kiss him, and let him take away all the pain she had felt from the last few months. To make her whole again. To have something to believe in again. To have _her _Tommy back._

_Jude scolded herself. He was never hers. He belonged to her sister._

"_Jude, are you sure? I can-" Tommy started to ask, as he crept towards her, and placed a hand lovingly on her shoulder._

"_You were never mine to begin with," she spoke barely audible as she bit her lip and she tried to shrug his hand off her shoulder. He was killing her._

"_What?" he questioned._

"_Nothing. Just go."_

"_No. Jude I'm worried about you," he told her, every decibel of his voice conveying his truth._

"_Why did you come tonight?" she asked still refusing to look at him._

_Tommy let out a heavy sigh. "Because I care about you Jude," he said selecting his words carefully, fighting the urge to yell the he loved her and turn her to face him and kiss her fiercely with passion._

_Jude let out a bitter laugh and spun around to face him._

"_You care about me? You CARE about me!" she yelled incredulous, feeling sober at the moment, her anger surging though her. "That is the biggest piece of bullshit I've ever heard."_

"_It's not bullshit Jude!" he retorted as he rushed to be closer to her but she backed away only more._

"_God, yes it is! You don't get it Tommy, do you?" she asked him, tears starting to fall._

"_If you cared about me you wouldn't have kissed me on my 16th birthday. And then asked me too pretend it never happened! You wouldn't have said the things to me that you did on my 17th birthday! You would have seen that I am, was head over heels in love you. No, but you know what? maybe you did. And you decided it didn't matter anyway. You decided it was ok to break my heart, to break me over and over and over again. You don't do the things we did together and then tell me you're with someone else, let alone my sister. If you cared at all about me, you wouldn't have married Sadie! You're an arrogant, conceited bastard who only cares about yourself. I see that now. I HATE you Tom Quincy! I don't believe in you anymore" Jude unleashed, her tears now full blown. She cursed herself. She had told herself she would never let Tom Quincy see what he had done to her. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction._

_Tommy was suddenly standing a mere foot from her, still too far in his opinion. Tommy felt like he was suffocating. Her words cutting him like a knife. Hate. Don't believe. He swallowed hard to avoid the tears he could feel forming behind his blue eyes. And Tom Quincy never cried, especially over a girl. _

_He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't hold it all inside anymore. He couldn't hurt her anymore. He couldn't have her hate him. He had to let her know._

"_Jude I care about you more than you could ever know," he began, oddly calm. "I hated seeing you with another guy. Jamie. Speed. God, that guy at the bar. I wanted to kill him over and over and over again for looking at you, for touching you, for hurting you,'" he continued, he jaw and fists clenching in anger, eyes flashing._

_Even through her tears Jude could see his eyes cloud over with darkness and anger as he spoke of the man who forced himself on her tonight. His breathing had become more ragged, he stepped dangerously closer to her, he was now just a mere inch or two away from her face._

_He took his hands and wiped away the tears stained with mascara and eyeliner from her face. Jude could feel her resolve crumbling. The wall she had tried to build between them suddenly burning to ashes._

"_I hate myself everyday for falling in love with you, Tommy," she whispered, her breath playing upon his lips._

_He grabbed her waist and pulled her flush against him, breathing erratically._

"_I miss you, Jude. I want you Jude," he admitted in a husky whisper. "You were mine to begin with as I am yours."_

_Jude closed her eyes trying to savor his words. As badly as she wanted, needed this and him, she couldn't do it. His actions always spoke louder than words. And as much as she despised Sadie, she wouldn't let Tommy destroy her too. Jude pushed herself away from him, taking him by surprise and causing him to stumble backwards._

"_No! I won't do this. Not again. I can't do this to Sadie. I can't do this to myself. I'm not yours anymore, Tommy."_

"_What do you mean, Jude?" he interrogated his eyes flashing with anger and hurt. "It's always been that way, and it always will be. Married or not, my heart belongs with you. I'm just sorry it took me so long to say it."_

"_It doesn't matter anymore, Tommy." Jude looked down at the floor, anything to avoid his gaze. The one that made her want to do ungodly things._

"_Yes it does, Jude!" he insisted as he grabbed her arms forcing her to look back at him. '"It does matter."_

"_No you don't get it!' she yelled. "You're not hearing me. I share my bed with someone else now, Tommy. Someone who isn't you!"_

_Tommy backed away, as if he was being burned. His eyes became darkly intense, hands clenching at his sides, jaw tensing like the rest of his body._

_No. He refused to believe that. Jude. Sleeping.With. Someone.Else. She was a god damned liar. He looked at her and knew instantly she wasn't lying. That's what she had been hiding. Tommy struggled for air, trying to find a way to breathe and comprehend her revelation. Tommy was in hell, and Jude was the devil, torturing him._

"_Who?"_

"_No one Tommy."_

"_Jude, WHO the fuck is it! Speed? Braden?"_

"_No one, okay. I'm not sleeping with anyone. I just wanted you to know what it felt like to know how it feels to have the person you care about the most can rip your heart out," she half-truthfully and half-lied at the same time. _

_She did want him to know what it felt like, but she had to lie to cover up the truth about her and Kwest. She didn't even want to think about what would happen when people found out, if they did._

"_Well you succeeded, Jude. Congratulations," he replied dryly._

"_I can't do this anymore, especially not tonight. I'm going to bed Tommy. You can show yourself out," Jude walked away not having the strength to fight anymore._

_She laid on the couch and closed her eyes tightly, wishing away tonight's events, and the pain, the hurt, and the lies. When had her life become so damn complicated?_

_The day she met Tom Quincy._

Tommy recollected as he thought about the late night phone call and the argument. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense.

All the time she spent producing with Kwest. The lunches. The late night studio session. The inside jokes and casual flirting. The secretive phone calls. The nights no one knew where she was. Not to mention, Kwest had become more distant from Tommy these last few months more than usual.

Tommy looked over at a sleeping Jude. Jude wouldn't lie to him. Not about something like this. Then again Jude was a beautiful woman. A woman whose heart he had broken. A woman he loved more than anything and had idea that everything she thought she knew, including his marriage, was a lie.

A lie he wanted to be free from. But the price was to high. Not just for him. But for Jude.

Here, Tom Quincy sat watching Jude Harrison sleep, while longing for the blonde girl laying on the couch and trying to convince himself that the theory that the woman he loved and his best friend were sleeping together is completely false.

He would find out one way or another. And one way or another he would get back his life. One way or another Jude would be his again. Even if she didn't know it, yet.

**End Chapter 2**

Well this chapter certainly didn't turn out the way I wanted it too, but I'm too tired too care right now. But I do care whether you guys like it or not. Definitely not my best. Oh well

Thank you again for your amazing reviews (personal comments posted next chapter).

BTW, the whole point of this chapter really is that no matter what seems to happen, Tommy and Jude can never fully quit each other. Just thought I'd share that with you.

Don't forget to review, pretty please

**Next Chapter:**

"**_Don't you think it's just a little fucked up that sometimes I pretend you're him and you pretend she's me?"_**

"**_This is just as hard for me as it is for you, Tom. You have no idea what I've lost. This has got to stop."_**


	4. I've Lost Myself Too Your Tainted Words

**Chapter 3: _I've lost myself too your tainted words_**

The incessant pounding inside Jude's head wouldn't die. Every move she made causing a vibration inside her head.

_You'd think I'd be used to it by now._

She's had many hangovers in her short life, and none of them made her wants too rip her own hair out and spilt her head open as much as this one. And her stomach? Nope, not even going to go there.

Finally she quit, her dingy, puke-green couch being her salvation. She wasn't moving from this spot. Not now. Not ever. A happy little world she had there. Just her, her silence, raggedy couch, a headache that would make a grown man cry, and a stomach burning with bile.

Yep. Her own happy little oblivion. Jude squeezed her eyes shut as she laid on her back, breathing slowly and exhaling loudly as if it would relieve the demon known as alcohol from her body. She hugged the blanket laying over her closer to her body as she tried to remember last night.

Shots.

Hands.

Hands all over her, feeling dirty.

Fighting.

His voice in her head, playing like her favorite scene from her favorite movie. Over and over again.

His touch burning her skin. Her own tears branding her.

His words actually giving her false hope, even if for only a second.

Hearing the door shut earlier that morning. He had left. He always left.

She shifted and curved her body in towards the couch, recalling last night's events. Mentally she cursed herself for letting herself feel. Feeling something for him again, almost believing every words he said.

"_Jude, I care about you more than you could ever know."_

"_I miss you. I want you Jude."_

"_You were mine to begin with, as I am yours."_

Her body started trembling with each bittersweet thing he said to her. Damn Tommy for being such a good, comfortable liar.

A little sardonic laugh escaped her mouth. The real liar was her. Lying to herself. She could never get over Tommy. She never would. And as much as she hated to think, let alone admit it, she wasn't quite sure if she ever wanted too.

"_Quite the emotional masochist you are, Jude," _she berated herself.

If it was possible, her head hurt even more, all her own lies swirling around in her head, all her memories of him, the things they have done. Memories that she held so dear, but wanted to cut out of soul at the same time. She just wanted to forget.

Forget that Tom Quincy ever existed. An unconquerable mission she had already failed miserably at. With or without him, she was dying inside. Slowly, piece by piece withering away. And she hated herself everyday for being defined by him.

But that's what Kwest was for. A way to forget. An antidote for the venom inside her veins. A way too feel good, if even only for a few hours. She savored those moments, keeping her from losing what sanity was left.

Kwest was useable to her. She was useable to him. Somehow it worked for them. And the most fucking ironic part was that the didn't hate each other for being dispensable to the other one. Quite the contrary. They were more than just bedmates. He became her best friend. Her new Jamie.

Yes she was a severely tormented, twisted individual. She was going straight to hell. No chance for her at the pearly white gates.

Oh the fact that he is, or was, Tommy's best friend was the icing on the cake.

Jude put her hands to each side of her head, applying pressure trying to rid her thoughts. She was thinking too much.

She needed a release, and knew just who to call.

Today's mission: Attempt to move and locate cell phone.

Hesitantly she sat up, clenching her wave of nausea that surged through her stomach. She took a deep breathe, eyes surveying the room. Something caught her eye.

The crate sat a mere few feet from the couch and on it was a bottle of Ibuprofen and a bottled water, a small piece of paper underneath it. And her cell phone right beside it.

Maybe God did love her after all.

Jude mustered all the strength she could, and tried to stand up only to find herself on her knees on the floor. Forgoing her dignity she crawled over to the crate and read the note. She concentrated hard so the words wouldn't blur together.

"_Jude,_

_I'd tell you to wash a few of these down with a beer, but somehow I don't think it's a smart idea. Feel Better._

_Oh, and girl, I know you probably don't remember, but I meant every word I said._

_I love you, Jude._

_Love,_

_Tommy_

I. Love. You. What the fuck was that? Where were those three words months ago. Oh yeah, that's right. He was whispering those words to her sister. Suddenly the air felt much heavier and she a bitter, stale taste was emerging in her dry mouth.

Quickly she opened the bottle and poured a couple pills into her cold hands. She popped them into her mouth and opened the bottle and drank and drank and drank until there was nothing left. She tossed the bottle to the side, room starting to spin, that stale taste still lingering in her mouth.

Jude picked up the piece of paper containing his declaration of love, and her cell phone. She crawled back over towards the couch, not bothering to get onto it. Just her back against the couch, supporting her.

She stared at the piece of paper in her fragile, shaking hands for what felt like an eternity, every breath she was taking catching in her throat.

Her eyes welled with tears that she was trying so hard to fight. She managed to flip open her phone and dial a familiar number on speed dial with shaking fingers.

She needed release.

a

a

a

Tommy walked through his front door, fighting off the fatigue that had fallen upon him. He had left before Jude woke up.

He had no energy to fight with her, and fight the urge to touch and kiss away the pain he had caused. He was too tired. Too tired of fighting. So he took the road he always seemed to.

He walked away. Leaving only a piece of paper with his heart in three small words.

God he was an asshole.

He walked past the foyer of his penthouse and was headed to his bedroom when he caught sight of a female blonde sitting on the couch, curled in the corner of it, clenching a pillow. She had never reminded him so much of Jude then she did then.

Her hair a mess, eyes red from crying, dark circles under her eyes. He sighed and walked over to the black leather couch, sitting on the opposite end of her.

"Sadie?"

She said nothing, didn't even flinch when he spoke her name. He said nothing, sitting there in the silence.

"I can't do this anymore, Tom," she whispered just loud enough for him to her.

"I know, Sadie. I hate it. I want this all to end," he spoke truthfully, his voice distant.

"I need this to end," he stated matter of factly. It was the cold hard truth. Everyday a charade, hiding behind their lies. Lying to Jude, not being able to touch her or kiss her, or even look at her was literally killing him. A slow, bitter asphyxiation from his own words, and the web of lies and mess they had created.

God, he wanted to die. Take away all the pain and torment. No more living a lie he now calls his life.

"This is so fucking hard. I don't know how much more of this I can take," he said as he swallowed hard, fighting the breakdown he felt coming on. He wanted to cry. But not in front of Sadie. He couldn't. Couldn't show weakness.

"This is just as hard for me as it is for you, Tom. I've lost so much. This has got to stop!" she snapped at him.

"How, Sadie! You tell me how!" he yelled at her, emotions getting the best of him.

"I don't know, Tom. But I need them. I need my life back. I need him and my little sister back. I NEED them. Look what I've done…" Sadie broke down, fresh salty tears falling from the eyes the same color of her sisters. Her body shook violently with her sobs, choking on them.

Tommy got up and walked closer to Sadie, sitting on the edge of the couch next to her.

"I know, Sadie. I know. We'll figure something out. We _have_ to," he declared with desperation, and held Sadie while she cried. He cried too.

They cried for the lies they were living and the secrets they were hiding. They cried for Jude and Kwest. They cried for the ones they loved more than life itself and the life they used to know.

a

a

a

"Baby, what's wrong?" he immediately asked at the sight of her. Her body in the same position it had been when she had called him. Body limp in front of the couch, using it for support, her body curled sideways against it. Forearms resting on the cushions, her head down, crying incessantly, clenching a lone piece of paper in her hand.

She looked up at him through wet eyelashes and he rushed to her side, sitting behind her, running a hand through her hair, trying to soothe her. She was only like this when it came too one thing.

Tommy.

It was always Tommy. Just like it was always Sadie with him.

He reached over and wrestled the piece of paper from her hand. He read it.

Nothing needed to be said. It was all there in writing. Tom was always a coward. Always taking the easy road. Saying things without actually saying them.

He tossed the piece of paper aside, and she turned her body, and leaned into his side, conforming to his body, her head leaning on his shoulder, and his arm wrapping around her protectively.

She cried for a few more minutes and eventually her breathing returned to normal. She still clung to him like a lifeline. She couldn't let go. Not just yet.

"Kwest, can I ask you something?" she spoke softly.

"Yeah," he mumbled.

"Don't you think it's just a little fucked up that sometimes I pretend you're him and you pretend she's me?"

He froze at her question, not quite sure how to respond. He was caught off guard by her bluntness of the situation. It was the truth, but it sounded so much worse when she actually said it.

"Sometimes," he answered truthfully. "But I think what they did is worse."

She nodded satisfied with his answer, and snuggled closer to him.

"There's this part of me that hates him so much. And then there's this part of me that doesn't want to let him go and still loves him," she shared with him like an intimate secret you only share with your best friend or lover. She was letting him in. She needed to let someone else in. Emotional detachment was become to overwhelming. She needed to share the burden.

"You love him , and you always will, no matter what. And somewhere deep down you still have hope. Hope that he'll come back to you and that you can go back to the way it used to be."

That much Kwest knew. It was actually the only thing he knew. He didn't know how to get over Sadie, or how to let her go either. Hope. He had to cling on to it, just like Jude. It kept them going. Even if it was naïve or unrealistic. Everybody needs something to believe in.

And right now, Jude and Hope were it.

"Love's a sadistic whore," Jude declared.

"Very true," he agreed.

They sat there for a few more moments, close to each other. Jude's eyes became heavy and closed on their own volition. Kwest still held her as she drifted off.

Before she reached slumber, words echoed through her head.

"_I wish I could tell you the truth. I really do."_

**End Chapter 3**

Well, hello there darlings. Hope you liked this latest little chapter. It's 1 am and I worked all day so please excuse anything that seemed senseless in this chapter.

Hmm, as we can see not all is what is seems. And two people are hiding a secret. Want to know what it is?

Yeah well so do I. LOL. Just kidding.

But don't forget to hit that review button.

THANK YOU for all of your wonderful reviews. They put a smile on my face, and give me motivation to write.

I'll do individual thanks in the next chapter or two.


	5. It Ends Tonight

Disclaimer: See all the other chapters.

**Chapter 4: _It Ends Tonight…_**

_It ends today._

That was all the cryptic text message said.

That was all it had too say.

The lies end today and forever.

Tommy's gut clenched, fear becoming the consuming feeling, invading him, making him insane.

What would Jude say? What would she do? Would she hate him forever?

Or would she understand and let him back in? Would she let him take back his life. The life with her in it. The life where fate let them lose their selves to each other, lives forever entwined.

Jude. Jude. Jude.

She became him.

It's all he ever thought about.

Set the while world on fire.

If that's what it took, douse the earth in gasoline.

Jude was the match.

Incinerate.

Nothing else but them together.

No one else.

No lies.

No secrets.

Fate would win.

Would she understand the he did what had been done to protect _them?_

Jude and Sadie.

Bound by blood.

Blood stained everything.

Blood ruined everything.

The truth was written in cold blood. Pure ice.

And he was the truth.

_They_ were the truth.

Jude was just a victim of the truth. Excluded from the vicious little game being played.

Truth becomes lies. All the lies become your truth.

Could Jude handle the truth?.

He didn't know. He wasn't so sure of anything anymore.

But he was damn sure of one thing. Once she knew the truth, so hate him for lying about it, for keeping her in the dark, for the evil he became.

Locked away.

He'd be permanently removed from the equation.

Einstein be proud.

She's lock her heart away even more.

Sweetly numb. She'd break. Beyond gone. Shattered all over the earths floor. Shards of her ripping him to shreds, bleeding endlessly.

Fight the law.

Yes, that's what he'd have to do.

Life was the cruel and unusual punishment.

This game called life wasn't worth it anymore if she wasn't there beside him.

His mother told him when he was younger "Protect yourself. And only yourself."

He'd thought it was the most cold-hearted, selfish thing he'd ever heard.

Now he understood.

He should have listened.

Look at where playing the knight in shining armor had done to him. To them.

Take the secrets to your grave.

_He_ sure had.

Tommy quickly flipped open his phone and dialed the all-too familiar numbers, his fingers shaking.

"Don't do this. Not now. We haven't figured this out."

"Tommy, I don't care."

"Well, I do! This is not some little secret, Sadie. People's lives will be destroyed. _Our_ lives will be," he pleaded with her.

"They already are, Tom. No more. _He_ can't win anymore."

"I'm _begging_ you. Not until we at least talk to Darius."

"No, my decision is made."

"Damn it, Sadie! This isn't just your decision to make. We'll lose everything. More than we already have," Tom reminded her, his voice just above a whisper at the last words.

"No, Tommy. I'll lose. You won't," Sadie said cryptically, her voice drowned with the infinite sadness that he become her these last few months.

"What do you mean?' he asked cautiously.

"This is my fault. All of this. I'm the reason you're in this mess. I'm the reason Darius is involved too. At least one of us deserves to be happy. If she knows the truth, she'll let you back in."

"She hates me, Sadie," Tommy spoke, choking on his own words.

"She would never hate you. Even if she tried her hardest, she would never hate you."

"She won't hate you either, Sadie."

Sadie sighed into the phone. "I don't know about that. But I'm through with this. I'm telling her. I won't let him control me anymore. And if she hates me so much that she wants too make me disappear then so be it. I deserve judgment. Now my mind is made up. Goodbye, Tom," and with that she hung up.

Tommy grabbed his keys, and raced out his apartment, destination known.

"What's that?' Kwest asked as he sat on the couch next to Jude.

Jude didn't even bother to look up for the notebook settle in her lap, her black ink pen staining the words on to the paper.

"Nothing," she muttered.

"Lyrics?"

Jude nodded her head and kept writing. Suddenly the paper was ripped from beneath her.

"Hey!" she squealed and reached for her notebook, but Kwest just jerked it away, eyes focused on the words written on the paper.

Jude just sighed and gave up. Oh well, he was going to read it at one point or another.

"Sing it for me," he commanded.

"What? Why?"

"Just sing it, please."

Jude let out a sigh, took a deep breathe and imagined the music in her head. She drifted away to a place where she could think, let him know how she felt, and let him go.

_Your subtleties, _

_They strangle me_

_I can't explain myself at all_

_And all the wants_

_And all the needs_

_All I don't want to need at all_

Jude's melodic voice filled the empty room. Her eyes closing lightly as she sang.

So far away.

Disconnected.

That's how he made her feel. That's how he made the world seem.

He was the biggest contradiction of her life.

He was a mere complication. One she used to enjoy oh, so much.

Playtimes over.

_The walls start breathing_

_My minds unweaving_

_Maybe it's best if you leave me alone_

_A weight is lifted,_

_On this evening, I give the final blow_

_When darkness turns to light,_

_It ends tonight._

_It ends tonight…_

Suddenly her voice faded off, and she remained in silence, her eyes still shut. Her breathing became broken.

She can't even write a god damn song about him without fighting the urge to cry.

Very proud of yourself.

No, not at all.

She wanted to be over this, over him.

And this was it.

So sick and tired of the never ending game.

Take the final bow.

Goodbye.

This was her goodbye to him.

Her goodbye to everything she thought she knew.

There would be no encore.

"Jude?" Kwest questioned, concerned.

She opened her eyes, and the drifted to the ceiling, and she breathed a little more evenly this time.

Pain, so much pain.

She found her voice again and resumed singing.

_A falling star_

_Least, I fall alone_

_I can't explain what you can't explain_

_You're finding things that you didn't know_

_I look at you with such disdain._

_The walls start breathing  
My mind's unweaving  
Maybe it's best you leave me alone.  
A weight is lifted  
On this evening  
I give the final blow._

_When darkness turns to light  
It ends tonight,  
It ends tonight._

_Just a little insight won't make this right  
It's too late to fight_

_It ends tonight,  
It ends tonight._

_Now I'm on my own side  
It's better than being on your side  
It's my fault when your blind  
It's better that I see it through your eyes_

All these thoughts locked inside  
Now you're the first to know…

"Wow, Jude that was….amazing, for lack of a better word."

"Thanks," Jude just muttered and sat still, not moving an inch.

"Hey, you okay?" Kwest asked, his hand resting on her knee.

Jude exhaled and ran a finger through her blonde, tangled mane.

That was a loaded question.

"You know, I think I am. I am over this Tommy crap and him and his little games. He's a fucking coward. He had his chance, and he lost it. I'm done. I'm through feeling like hell because the guy I loved didn't love me back enough, or even at all. I deserve better than that…" she answered.

"You're right you do. And someday Tom will realize what he lost."

"And by then it'll be too little, too late."

"Sounds like a good plan."

"Too bad it's all bullshit. But it sounded good. And you know what? I am through with my self-pity crap. And I think I may have found the perfect distraction."

"Really? And that would be?"

"Why you, silly."

Kwest smirked and raised an eyebrow.

"And who the hell says I'm going to let you use me for some little play toy? Hmmm?"

"You never complained before."

Jude turned her body around and placed her head in Kwest's lap, her feet dangling over the edge of the couch. Kwest began playing with strands of her hair, a few at a time. Jude close her eyes and felt herself relax a little.

Her peacefulness was interrupted by a pounding at the door.

"GO AWAY!" Jude yelled.

Whoever it wasn't going away. The pounding continued and Jude groaned, forcing herself to get up.

She opened the door and immediately slammed it shut when she saw who was on the other side.

"Jude, open this door. I'm not going away until you let me in and hear me out!"

Jude motioned for Kwest to go and hide. They'd had to do this a few times, and Kwest ended up in the bathroom, just sitting there until whoever it was left. He asked no questions and obeyed Jude.

"COME ON JUDE!'

Finally Jude opened the door.

"And to what to I owe the pleasure of a visit from my backstabbing bitch of a sis-" her words ceased when she saw Sadie's appearance.

Her normally perfect blonde hair was untamed, dark circles bared themselves under he eyes. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. Her bloodshot eyes were like looking in a mirror. She knew it all too well.

No, she wouldn't feel pity for Sadie. Not after what she did.

Judas.

That's what she was, Jude tried to remind her self.

But still, despite it all, she actually still cared. This was her sister. Her blood. And she wasn't like Sadie. Bound by blood, and it still meant something to Jude whether she wanted it to or not.

"Jude, can I come in?"

Jude just moved out of Sadie's way and ushered her inside.

Jude remained silent and looked at the floor. What the hell was she supposed to say?

"Jude we have too talk. I have to tell you something."

"Oh you mean, like the reason why you fucked Tommy behind my back and the married him?" she snapped.

"No. you don't understand."

"Come on Sadie," Jude scoffed. "It's not the hard to comprehend."

"No you don't understand Jude," Sadie spoke as tears once again fell from her face. "I did it, Jude."

"Did what Sadie? Fuck Tommy, got pregnant and then-"

"No JUDE! Just shut up. I did it! I killed Liam!"


	6. Girl, Interrupted

Disclaimer: I do not own a damn thing, except the OC character I will use randomly.

Thanks to all of you for reading, and Atreyu's "Her Portrait in Black" for somehow motivating me to write this first part.

And this is completely unedited.

**Chapter 5a: Girl, Interrupted.**

Her frail arms wrapped around her mid-section, protecting her to keep the knowledge of the demons around her away. She fought off the chills the sent through her spine, her warm blood becoming cold and tingling.

Her blonde hair, drenched in the acid rain. Her clothes, like her hair, were soaked and plastered to her body creating a second skin, a very cold outer shell.

But she didn't feel it.

Couldn't feel it.

Numb.

Numb to the physical world around her.

She couldn't feel a damn thing.

She couldn't feel the heavy rain drops pelting against her fragile skin.

But she could feel _them_. Feel _it_. Her thoughts grating away at her sanity. Reality and sanity fading away to the unknown confusion and insanity she wished were actually real.

Snow white lying in the glass coffin.

For the whole world too see.

On exhibition.

And everyone had something to say or hide.

That's what it was like.

Laying there unconscious as the world slips by replacing the once quite life that used to adorn her. The life she wore so well.

Torn to shreds.

Sew them back together, her plea to the world going unnoticed and unheard.

The world wide away while she was half asleep.

Jude blinked her eyes, her lashes heavy with raindrops that had molded themselves to her lashes.

She stared at the building before her. Destination unknown no longer unknown.

She had just picked up her feet and bolted out of her apartment and ran. Ran until her legs wanted to give out and crumble before her. Ran into the bitter oblivion she wished had existed. Ran to wherever that was left of her heart took her too.

Stupid Girl.

Stupid, stupid girl.

She never should have ended up here.

She was fate's bitch.

Dance Snow White. Dance. Follow the stars.

Her eyes surveyed the tall building in front of her. So up high, the top was. Such a long fall down.

She briefly imagined standing on the edge, looking at the world below her. Watching all the people. Pretty little puppets on strings they were. Dancing and moving to the sounds of their manipulated world. Evil all around them.

Evil. Evil. Evil!

Make the evil go away.

Breathe in the air, and fly. Drift away. Find paradise. Fly there. Forever.

Forever was a long way down.

She was snapped out of her thoughts by the sound of a car driving by, beeping its obnoxious horn at the person in front of them.

Bright lights lighting up the dark sky.

Lights that soon faded into nothingness and darkness.

She pressed her frozen finger to the little white button and hit it repeatedly.

"TOMMY! TOMMY! LET ME IN!" she yelled frantic at the top of her lungs into the intercom system. She didn't care if she woke everyone in the whole damn building. Fuck them all. Every last one of them and their happy little lives with no care in the world.

"THOMAS QUINCY THE THIRD! LET ME THE FUCK IN!" she yelled pressing the little button that could save her live again with so much pressure her finger ached and turned white.

"Excuse me, Miss. Please stop yelling. You're waking the residents," a middle aged man appeared from the locked glass doors, his head poking through, body still on the inside.

She rolled her eyes and marched towards him at a quick pace. "Fuck them. Look I'm looking for Tom Quincy. I'm a friend of his," she explained hurriedly.

The man took in her disheveled appearance. Wet clothes and hair. Last night's leftover makeup leaving black trails down her cheeks. Her skin pale, wet, and cold, body shaking.

He shook his head at her and was about to say something and she could tell from the look on his face the he assumed the worst about her.

"I'm sorry Miss. I'm going to have to ask you to leave before I have to call the cops," he said with a frown.

Bastard.

She stepped closer to him, and the man actually looked afraid and was now blocking the entrance way, while holding the door open with one hand.

She could take him is she tried. But Jude didn't have the strength left to fight anyone or anything.

"I'm not some crack-addicted whore looking for a score, money or a john. I really am a friend of Tom Quincy's. I need too see him now. Please," she pleaded her eyes softening.

"Ma'am I'm afraid I can't do-"

"What's going on here, Alfred?" a voice asked from behind him. She'd know that voice anywhere.

"Tommy!" she managed to pronounce before swallowing hard at how sensitive her throat was becoming.

"Jude?" he asked, his voice full of surprise and still groggy at the sleep, or lack of, that he had been awoken from. He had thought he herd her voice, frantic and lost, but when he responded through the intercom there was no answer.

But he knew.

He always knew when she was around.

He got this feeling inside of him. Indescribable.

At hearing the tone in her voice, he had shot up off the couch, and when he got no answer he had raced down the stairs.

He could feel him stomach clenching, an anxious empty feeling consuming him.

Something wasn't right. He could feel it.

It was pure intuition when it came to Jude.

"You know her Mr. Quincy?" Alfred asked quietly glancing back and forth between the two, giving them full view of each other.

There he stood, dark hair a complete mess, blue eyes not quite alert. His wore a wife beater, exposing his toned arms and shoulders, a pair of jeans only zipped, top button undone.

Tommy gasped when he saw Jude's appearance. His blood ran cold.

He moved forward, "Yes, Alfred I do. It's ok. You can let her in."

Alfred nodded his head unsurely, and held the door open for Jude who walked slowly passed Alfred, and gave a slight faked smile at him.

"Jude are you ok? What-?" Tommy asked as he rushed closer to her, concern in his voice. He felt the stomach bile burn his insides and was overcome with an uneasy feeling. He knew that question was rhetorical.

He _knew._

"Cut the crap, Quincy. Is it true?" she demanded.

"I don't know what you think you know, Jude. Let's go upstairs-" he said as he placed a hand on her arm, feeling how cold she was, and trying to brush away the shock of electricity that flew through his body and warmed him.

She jerked away from his touch, and suddenly found herself missing him. The feel of his bare skin on her cold, pale skin, warming her.

"Just stop, Tommy! Sadie told me everything. _Everything! _Don't play games with me. Don't lie anymore. I can't take it anymore. You're such a god damn liar. LIAR LIAR LIAR!" she yelled crazed arms flinging wildly.

Tommy grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. "Stop it, Jude. Just stop," he commanded her.

He was God and she was his obedient servant.

She immediately obeyed.

"Just tell me the truth for once. Is it true? About the baby, the marriage…and Liam?" she whispered afraid of the truth she already knew. "Please just tell me the truth, Tommy,' she pleaded.

His heart broke at the sound of her voice.

She was so far away. He didn't know if he could ever reach for her and bring her back again. And that scared the shit out of him.

"Please…" she pleaded, a tear dripping down her face. He brushed it away with his thumbs and took her face in his hands. His thumb brushed across her red bottom lip, and he closed his eyes emblazoning the touch of her in his mind.

He opened his eyes, and they met hers.

This was just a shell of Jude. Empty inside. She was so far gone.

Falling like a star.

He didn't catch her.

He failed.

She was still the other side of the door he had promised to kick down.

He had put that door there.

He kept her in the dark.

Rapunzel locked away high in the tower. No prince to save her and come to her rescue.

Her eyes were so hollow and lacking the vibrance that used to shine so brilliantly.

Time to slay the dragons and rescue the princess from a cruel fate.

No more lies.

"Yes," he whispered to her.

She pulled away from him and just stared into space. So empty. Nothing to hold on to.

"Jude, please say something," he begged her reaching out for her.

Her hand slapped the flesh on the side of his face, stinging and throbbing.

Red was always a good color on him.

Just not this way.

"Jude I'm so sorry I lied. You have to believe that. Believe me. Please." he said. The pain in his face was nothing compared to that of losing Jude completely and forever.

She stepped closer to him, and placed her palm of the side of his face. The side where she had inflicted her pain into him.

He wrapped his strong fingers around her wrist gently. She silently let the tears fall.

She had never felt so light in her life.

Jude collapsed to the ground, sobs emitting from her heavily, and this time Tommy was there too catch her.

He knelt down and cradled her against him.

The princess was broken.

Her tiara hits the ground and shatters, just like her heart.

Watching in painful silence as her kingdom burned to ashes.

No savior or safety in sight.

No time for fairy tale wishes to come true.

Tommy cradled her to his chest, her body limp, cold and shaking violently with her sobs. Her face was buried in his chest, and her hot tears burned through the flimsy white excuse for a shirt. He held her head close to his heart, his heartbeats echoing in her head. His placed a kiss to the top of her head.

He saw Alfred from a distance staring at the sight before him, looking lost in amazement and confusion.

"Al, the elevator door please," he spoke to him, and Alfred nodded his head and moved in front of the steel doors and pushed the little up button.

"Come on, girl. You're freezing and shaking. Let me take care of you," he whispered gently in her ear, his lips brushing the shell of her ear as he spoke.

She nodded mutely and he picked her up bridal style. She rested her head on his chest, her crying had slowed and her breathing retuned slightly to normal. He stepped into the elevator and somehow managed to hit the 5 button with a finger tip.

The elevator slowly began to move upwards, and silence was the only thing surrounding them.

"Tommy?" she whispered barely audible.

"Yeah girl?'

"Please don't leave me again," she spoke against his chest, her words muffled and making vibrations against his sternum.

Break the cycle.

Lie.

Stab.

Cry.

Just fucking break the vicious cycle.

"Never, girl. Never again," he promised as he continued to hold her body close to his, and brush his lips with her forehead.

Break the cycle.

Lie.

Stab.

Cry.

Break the cycle.

_Can you feel her burning through your veins?_

_She will always live forever._

**End Chapter 5(a)**

**Note: I decided to break this chapter into two parts because this was already 7 pages typed and it would be about 15 or so total if I finished it.**

Lyrics at the end belong to Atreyu.

Please forgive me and my silly fairytale references and any crazy rambling. I'm so tired.

Not too much action this part, but I think some questions shall be answered the next chapter. But only if you reply. Lol.

This was kind of a filler and transitional chapter. Sorry if it was boring.


	7. The Devil She Knows

Disclaimer: I disclaim.

I'm so very sorry for the delay. Hope you still love me and the story.

**Chapter 5(b): The Devil She Knows.**

"_Stop it!" she yelled as loud as she could, praying that even God would hear her screams. Someone. Something. To save her from this nightmare this moment has become. Break her from the painful cruelty besetting upon her._

_She struggled underneath his large, well built frame, scratching, teeth trying to break skin anywhere she could, her legs flailing aimlessly. But he was just too much. This was just too much. He was too heavy, the fear inside her pressing down against her fragile body._

_Futile._

_She briefly wondered if it was even worth the effort. Even God was refusing to listening to her screams. She choked on the sob forming from behind her swollen, dry throat._

_All her efforts in vain._

_She closed her eyes tight, hoping that if she could make him fade away he really would. She'd open her eyes and it would all be a nightmare. No more monsters hiding underneath her bed. She would be ok. Safe in her own bed, lying next to the person she needed now more than anything. Safe in her own happy little world, where pain and fear didn't exist in her vocabulary._

_Cold air rushed against her exposed chest, her garments protecting her were gone and torn to shreds making her remember that this was all too real, just like the demons and the monsters she used to be afraid of as child._

_She whimpered when she felt him slap her across the face with his large calloused hand. Just one more bruise that would fade away with time._

"_Stop crying you stupid bitch! No one can hear you, sweetheart. Your screams are useless, just like you," his harsh words invading her as continued to pin her beneath him, both arms bent painfully behind her back. "hold still and this won't hurt as much," he commanded._

_She was stubborn, always stubborn, and for once she was glad. She wasn't going to make this easy on him. _

"_Fuck you, you bastard. You won't get away with this," she said as she spit at him in his face, trying to push him off of her with what little force she had left._

_His body went stiff, all of his weight crushing her, causing her to gasp for air.._

_Her eyes flung open and she found herself, eye to eye with the devil incarnate himself. _

_So dark the son of man._

_His eyes hollow, and black, dazed with insanity and rage, so cold and unrelentess. There was no reasoning with him. His handsome face was hard and etched with someone she couldn't even comprehend._

_There was no fighting._

_He would win._

_The devil was going to steal her very soul, no remorse because he was just that. The devil. The demon you wished you would never meet and would have to fight for your life and soul against. A futile battle between good and evil._

_God failed her now. _

_All the things she was raised to believe in as a child. Have faith. Love him. Believe in Him. He is your savior. _

_Well where was he now?_

_Such brutal lies they all told. Every single last one of them._

_Her head suddenly became heavy. All of her thoughts and emotions swirling together with the lies, dancing in her head, entwining making the world seem so far away. _

_There was no reality and insanity. Nothing in between. It was all one._

_She couldn't remember how and when he had managed to remove her skirt and underwear, the only barrier that had been left between them._

_The world was a blur, moving to fast to even breathe, a montage of the things in it, the people in it, all of her sins, and the places she wished she could be right now._

_She would be 8 again, and Jude 5. Their parents farm, both girls dressed in ostentatious outfits, Jude singing with her angelic voice, and Sadie dancing and performing alongside her sister. Her parents, snuggled together on the couch, their eyes bright with amusement and love, their laughs mixing with the melody of The Beatles song the girls were en-enacting._

_No fear._

_No pain._

_So much innocence._

_The last thing Sadie remembers as he entered her, infecting her with his blood and evil, slaughtering her and shattering her heart while stealing it's soul was wishing that it would all be taken away._

_Make it go away. _

_Stop the pain. Inexcruciable._

_Fall from grace._

_Kill her. _

_Murder her._

_It would all be the same._

_She kept her eyes shut tights, the tears still managing to fall from her eyes, burning and stinging their way as they fell._

"_Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name..." she whispered incoherently to the air as no one listened and she prayed for the end of the world._

She shot up, forming a sitting position, her body drenched in a cold sweat as she swallowed the air, reaching for oxygen to fill herlungs.

It was the same nightmare, night after night, day after day.

It never went away.

Always there, haunting and stalking her.

Always leaving her feeling the same.

Putrid.

Filthy.

A murderess.

Her small hands stained with sin and blood.

After several deep breathes, she managed to find her way to breathing normally and mechanically.

She looked down at the sheets draped over her lap, and surveyed the room around her. She missed this place, this room, this bed. But it still wasn't enough to erase the damage that had been done.

Yet at the same time, this place made her feel something she hadn't in months.

Hope.

After all the unfixable damage that still lingered, it gave her hope that someday things might be okay again.

They would never be the same. But it would be close enough. It would _have_ to be close enough.

She tossed aside the sheet covering her lower half, and welcomed the rush of cool air against jean clad body. She managed too will her legs to move, tossed them to the side and stood on her feeble, bare feet. She opened the door, and wrapped her arms around herself as she made her way towards the light,

There he sat, at the table, one hand wrapped around the cold glass bottle of Corona, his eyes staring adamantly at it as if it held all the answers and a way to make this madness disappear.

He was still having a hard time fully contemplating the things he had heard her say to Jude.

It was all just too much.

The weight of the world suddenly showed itself upon him. Driving him into the ground.

"Couldn't sleep?" she asked, and his head turned quickly towards her. He shook his head, and continued to stare at her.

Sadie shivered, feeling unnerved and under his scrutiny. She wrapped her arms around herself even closer.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare. I'm just having a hard time putting all of this together and fully processing it. It's just all so…."

"Overwhelming? Surreal? Confusing? Fucked up? Pick one, Kwest because I know them all. Try living it," Sadie said just above a whisper.

"How about all of the above? God, Sadie, why didn't you tell _me_? Why didn't you come to _me? _Why, Tommy?" he asked, hurt etched on his face, and darkening his eyes, and he raised the bottled and drank the last half of the Corona without even breathing.

"It wasn't exactly like that Kwest. I didn't go running to him. There's so much more to it than you think," she said as she took a seat in the chair next to him. She stared at the nothingness ahead of her, not being able to look at him.

She loved him so much it physically hurt. She wanted nothing more than too tell him that she loved him, and have him hold her. But she couldn't do that. It was just too difficult.

All the damage she had caused was unfixable. No way to go back and to glue the jagged pieces all back together.

"Then tell me, Sadie. Tell me the whole story. _Everything," _Kwest said quietly as he leaned closer to her, his breathe on her neck. Sadie flinched from the nearness and her body leaned away from him, still not looking at him.

She hadn't let anybody this close, or touch her in months. Her fear became her defense mechanism.

And here he was, the one person she loved more than anyone she ever had or will, just sitting a mere inches from her, and she couldn't let him touch her.

She was so cruel to him.

She hated herself.

She felt a fingertip graze her jaw line and work its way to underneath her chin, forcing her to turn and look at him, his fingers guiding her.

She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, and felt something inside of her dwelling beneath the surface. Something she had been fighting. The need and want to be close to him.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Sadie. I promise, Please. Just let me in," he promised begged as his eyes met hers.

She couldn't deny him any longer. He deserved at least the truth.

She blinked away her tears and nodded her head.

a

a

a

a

"I need the truth, Tommy. I need it from you," Jude pleaded with him, desperate to make sense of the chaos that had become dictator over her world, and the life she held so dear. She wiped away any lingering tears she had, and had wrapped the blanket raped over her shoulders closer to her body, chasing away the coldness she felt.

But it was no use.

Her blood ran cold thru her veins, and the part of her heart that was left was left numb, and frozen.

And she knew of only one antidote.

Tom Quincy.

It was always Tom Quincy. He was the blood keeping her alive, and the passion fueling her desire to live. He was her kryptonite, the one thing that could bring her to her knees. All his secrets disguised behind his lies. Always a mystery she needed to solve.

He took away the madness of the world, yet he was the very cause of it.

He always brought her crashing down, and always put her on top of the world.

She loved him. She hated him. She hated to love him. She needed him.

"I need you, Tommy" she whispered barely audible, her tone not disguising her contempt for admitting to herself and to him.

Tommy knelt in front of Jude, who was on his couch, eyes cast downwards, body still slightly shaking, shoulder slouched and arms hanging limply at her sides.

He gave a sad smile and took her cold hands in his. He brought his forehead to hers, and stayed silent for only a minute. Her confession fueling his desire for the beautiful girl in front of him.

The fire inside her was gone. Jude had dissipated into an empty, hollow shell. He needed to rekindle that spark inside of her, to find her so she could make her way back to him. It's the only way the world made any sense and seemed less cold. When Jude, his Jude, was with him.

"I'm here, girl. And I'm not going anywhere," he promised, his warm breathe playing across her face, his touch melting the ice inside of her, bidding her blood to run again. He continued holding one hand, and the other brushing a finger over her supple lips, tracing them.

He placed a chaste gentle kiss where one of her tears had fallen, and he felt her tremble beneath his touch.

"Are you sure you're ready for all of this?' he asked her, afraid his words might break her even more, if it was possible.

Jude nodded, and Tommy let go of her hands, and found himself setting next to her on the couch. He leaned his head back, and took a deep breathe. He felt Jude lay her head upon his chest and clench on his hands in his. He wrapped his arm behind her head and played with her blonde strands of her, his fingers sending electricity shooting through her scalp all the way through her body.

"What did Sadie tell you?"

"About the rape," she said, her voice faltering on the word "rape." "And the miscarriage," Jude spoke without moving from her position. He made all the madness go away and disappear even if just for a few minutes. He was her lifeline.

"The baby, wasn't mine," Tommy confessed.

"I know. She told me. Why did he do it? Why did Liam have to hurt my sister?" she asked rhetorically. Jude had never seen Sadie so lost, so hurt and broken, out of control. And Sadie always control.

"I don't know, baby," Tommy truthfully replied as he continued his motions, and played with Jude's hair, mesmerizing each and every strand as if it were different than the other.

"She didn't deserve it, Tommy. No one does. I wish it had been me not her."

Tommy cringed at her words. Typical Jude. Always wanting to make other people feel better and put herself last. She knew she felt some sort of guilt despite the fact that it had nothing to do with her. It was how she work. She inflicted others, the ones she cared about, pain into herself. Always wanting to make it better.

And if it had been her, there's no doubt in his mind that Tommy would not be held responsible for his actions. If anyone ever hurt Jude, not even the devil or God himself would be able to stop him from inflicting harm and his rage justifiably into them.

"Don't say that, Jude," he warned. She just didn't know the extent of the context of her words. He was he supposed to tell her that Jude herself is part of what set Sadie over the edge, and made her take Liam's life.

"_I wonder if she's as good as you? Next time, it'll have to be Jude. Imagine the fun we're going to have."_

"Tommy how did you get involved in all of this? And Darius?"

Tommy sighed heavily. "Let's just get some sleep Jude. I'll explain the rest tomorrow."

Jude murmured an "ok" from being emotionally spent, and moved her head to his lap, her legs dangling over the arm of the couch, and Tommy spread out the blanket over body, and ran his hands thru her hair, relaxing her into a sleep filled oblivion.

"I love you, Jude," he whispered.

"I love you too, Tommy:" she whispered back, eyes still closed.

**End Chapter 5(b)**

A/N: In all honesty I hate this chapter. I had such a hard time writing it for some reason. It just was so…forced. I think my muse is dissolving. But hope you liked it anyways. Thanks for reading!


	8. This Lack of Beauty

Disclaimer: I only own the keyboard I am typing with. All characters, besides O.C's, are simply pawns in my stories to play with. Smile now. You are in my story realm. Be afraid.

**Chapter 6: This Lack of Beauty**

He awoke to the empty feel of the space in the bed next to him, where the blonde he had dreamt about so many nights before had previously occupied.

Tommy shut his eyes and reminisced, embracing the feel of her in his arms, protecting her from the world he had so viciously, and unconsciously helped to destroy her. An unwilling participant only too be a pawn in the hands of the devil.

Sometime during the night, he had moved them from his couch to his bed.

He remembered her breathing, inhaling and exhaling deeply losing herself into a state of unconsciousness as he did something he hadn't done since he was a preteen,

He prayed for salvation and absolution from his sins and his part in the deconstructing the woman he loved more than he ever wanted to.

_Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned… _he remembered whispering into the air above him

He prayed to God for her forgiveness and absolution from the lies that had been constructed into a thing called life.

He prayed for God's forgives and too allow him to live the life he wanted with her right by his side, the life she so rightfully deserved.

And he prayed for the other girl whose world had collapsed just like her sister's.

So vicious and unsympathetic.

All in all, he was asking for the world. He just hoped God would listen.

His hand gently traced the silk sheet where Jude had previously laid. Her scent was still engraved on the white pillowcase, painted with small black marks from her mascara and eyeliner stained tears.

Panic and loneliness emerged and pitted itself at the bottom of his stomach as he fully came to consciousness and realized her absence. Tommy jumped out of bed and raced down the halls calling her name,

"Jude!" echoed through the halls only to be met with silence.

He searched the guestroom, the bathroom, and living room before he caught sight of a petite figure only the balcony overlooking the city of Montreal.

Tommy slid the glass door open without so much of a squeak, and stepped barefoot onto the small concrete floor supporting them. Jude hadn't heard him, for her back was still turned towards him and her palms embracing the rail, lightly gripping it, long slender fingers wrapped around it, eyes peering at the people dancing below her.

Tommy stepped towards her, and wrapped his arms around her midsection, and she accepted it without so much of a flinch. He stood tall as she let herself fall back against him a little, sandwiched in between the safety railing and his solid body. He stood solid and helped to support her as he ocean blue eyes still observed the busy, inhabited city below.

"How long have you been out here?"

Jude shrugged slightly before responding. "I woke up early, so I came out here to watch the sunrise. It was so beautiful. So free, uninhibited, untouched and untainted. Then I started watching them. All of them," she said as if she did it everyday and nodded her head to the people below them.

"They're all so ignorant or naïve. I haven't quite decided which one yet. But they never notice. Either that or they don't let it touch them. The pain, the evil, the cold and cruelty, the pure ugliness of this world," she answered him before he could ask, confused and lost, what she was talking so randomly and seemingly incessant about.

"They just go on with their daily lives and smile and ignore it, ignore the truth. There is no beauty in this world. The only beauty that exists is in our minds and we only see it because we want to see it, because we imagine it and create it," Jude finished, her voice wavering with emotion.

Tommy held her tighter and she reveled in it, in his touch, embrace, and determination to protect her.

She had seen too much.

Seen to much heartbreak.

Lack of innocence.

Bitterness.

Savagery.

Too little eloquence.

She had been too pure once upon a time to be tainted, touched and effected by it.

He did such a fine and brilliant job of assisting in her downfall.

Bravo.

Guilty as charged, he was.

"I'm sorry, I know I probably sound like a crazy person. I was kind of thinking out loud,"

she apologized softly as she shifted her gaze to the sky above her, eyes squinting from the morning son.

He shook his head. There was no need for her too apologize. He understood perfectly well. This jaded part of her was a part of who she was now. Something that should be so easily understood without explanation, given the last few years.

Jude sighed and released her hands from the railing and let them fall to her side. She let herself fall further, once again dependant upon him, molding her body with Tommy's. feeling his strength and warmth emanate through him and into her condensing the coldness she felt in her veins.

Jude found herself amazed that no matter how much he could hurt and destroy her, no matter how many times she would vow to break away from him, he was the only one who could reconstruct her so effortlessly.

It was a truth she hated to accept. Yet here she stood, once again with him catching her from falling into nothing, but moments like this she thanked God for him being there, despite the dysfunctional of their, um, relationship.

Such a God-like complex he had.

And she was drawn to it.

Like a moth to a flame.

And she hated and loved him for all the he was worth.

"You're wrong girl," he stated effortlessly and without hesitation, with confidence.

"Tommy, look around you! Look at all that's happened. I know I sounded like a job, but it was the truth," she scoffed but made no attempt too break away from him.

"You're still wrong, Jude," he said full of conviction. "There is beauty in this world. And I'm holding her in my arms," Tommy's voice filled the empty air as he placed a kiss to her neck.

There was this voice telling her too shut him out again, play safe, and protect her self, but the fluttering and pounding of her heart wouldn't let her make an effort to move out of his arms.

She was so damn weak when it came to him.

Thomas Quincy was the Jude Harrison kryptonite.

Her eyes instinctly closed as they savored the feel and warmth of his warm lips, and hot wet mouth upon her skin, a shock of electricity tingling through her spine.

Jude swallowed hard and fought the urge to turn around, face him, and capture his mouth with hers. But that voice inside her head kept nagging.

"To-Tommy you can't say things like that to me. Not anymore," she managed to muster out.

"Why not Jude?" he whispered into her ear, sending tiny vibrations against her fragile skin. Jude shuddered and fought to gain self-control.

"Because," was the only answer she could form.

"That's a very good and credible reason, Jude," he stated sarcastically while rolling his eyes. Jude felt the contempt and her reservations stirring inside of her.

He was always pushing her.

Trying to take her over the edge.

Free fall.

Jude struggled to get out of his embrace, struggling and trying to pry his arms off her with her hands, but it was futile. He wouldn't budge.

"Jude, stop. I'm sorry. Please stop. Just let me hold you. I need to hold you," he pleaded with her, his voice heavy with emotion, tugging on her heartstrings. His voice sounding too much like her own when she was silently screaming. It was all too familiar. She surrendered.

"Girl, I know I fucked up, and I will probably never be able to get what we had back. But I need you too let me try, I know it's selfish, but I can't help it. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I sleep, and even then you're in my dreams," he confessed what he had been holding inside so long. "You haunt me, Jude. I was going insane without you in my life. I need you, girl. Jude _I love you_." Tommy spoke the words he had said last night to her, but it was different. Last night had been about reassuring her. But this time, it was about what he honestly never thought he would feel for someone. It was about him getting her back and saying the words he never said to anyone, ever.

Jude hadn't responded, and she stood their stiff and rigid. Tommy sighed and relaxed his hold on her, letting her go. But he was stopped but Jude's hands grabbing his wrists and forcing his arms back around her waist. He smiled to himself.

"You can't say things like that to me, because I can't handle them yet. Tommy, you broke me. And then with everything that I just found out, it's all just…too much. I have so much pain, anger and resentment inside of me. My head is jumbled with all these uncomprehendable thoughts and I don't know how to handle them. I don't know how too handle all of this," Jude explained, letting him in, and felt her emotions getting the best of her again, and a lone tear fell from her eye. She had to be stronger than this. There had to be something better than this.

"I don't even know who I am anymore."

"Then we'll figure it out together, girl. Thank you for letting me in, Jude," he placed a tender kiss on top of her head.

"This doesn't mean I forgive you, Quincy. And You've still got a lot of explaining to do," Jude stood her ground. She may have loved him, but he was going to have a hell of a lot of begging , groveling, and pleading to do.

"I know, Jude. And I will do whatever it takes. But you're giving me a chance, and that's the only hope I'm holding onto right now."

Jude nodded her head in understanding. "Me too, Quincy. Me too," Jude whispered as Tommy's embrace tightened and clung onto her, making her feel as if he was never going to let her go or fall again. And she drowned herself in that, in him.

5 minutes and complete silence later, Tommy and Jude found themselves drinking coffee and sitting on his leather couch, sitting close to each other, but not touching. Jude was the first to speak, asking a question he knew was coming.

"How did Darius get in all of this? And more importantly you?" Jude asked as she blew on her coffee, staring at it as if it held some answers.

Tommy took a gulp of his coffee, savoring the burn in the back of his throat as it went down. He held the warm cup in between his hands, and turned his head too look at Jude.

Tommy took a deep breathe. "I was the one who found Sadie in the studio that night. And Darius was there with me. He staged Liam's death too look like a suicide."

The only sound left the room was that of Jude's mug shattering on the hardwood floor.

**End 6**

This chapter was more for Tommy and Jude getting one step closer to each other. hope you guys like it. And I am sooo sorry for the long delay. Writers block /

next chapter will hold almost, if not all, of the story of Liam's death.

Please don't forget to push that little purple review button.


	9. The Broken Road

Disclaimer: Found in previous chapters.

A/N: Sorry for the huge delay. I've just been busy, lazy, or completely uninspired. But hey a short chapter is better than none at all, right?

Chapter 9: The Broken Road.

"He said I would find you here," a familiar voice spoke just above a whisper, and she focused on the piece of paper she was holding in her hands, as she knelt on the hardwood floor, knees aching but she couldn't find the will to move. She didn't dare turn her head too look behind her in fear that she was hallucinating.

She swallowed the lump that rose in her throat, and found the words to say something, "Are you really here, or am I just so damn gone that I'm imaging you here and talking to me?" her voice matched the tone of the one behind her.

A lone tear fell down her eye, and dripped onto the old, musky paper, smearing the ink on the piece of paper that told a story she wished was make believe. But the real story was hidden underneath the words sprawled in perfect type across the sheet or paper. It was a story no one should ever have to tell. Or lie about.

"No. you're not crazy, Sadie. I know now. I know _almost_ everything. I know the truth. Sadie," she walked closer to Sadie's kneeling form, praying that she knew the right things to say. "Sadie…I'm so sorry. If I had know-"

Sadie's blonde head whipped around to face the person she had missed more than anything in this world, and each saw themselves in the other. The same blonde hair, blue eyes, the same flesh and blood running through their veins. Each one seeing the same thing in each other. Too lost to find their way, running on empty and searching for a way to make it while reaching some sort of salvation.

An unconquerable mission without the presence of the other in their lives.

Sadie took in the appearance of the girl before her. Blonde hair, thrown back into a disheveled ponytail, flyaways every which way. Eyes brilliantly blue, glassed over, red and puffy from crying. She was crying. Crying for her, despite all the misery and pain she had inflicted upon her sister. Her shame had never been so consuming in her life before than it was now.

Jude kneeled down to her level and looked at the floor, tracing all the lines between the hardwood cracks. What else was she supposed to say? What could she say? Suddenly I'm sorry didn't seem so appropriate.

"I didn't want you too know because I didn't want you too look at me any differently. I didn't want you to hate me. I couldn't handle you hating me. But it happened anyway," Sadie rambled, regret playing on her emotions.

Jude's head shot up and it was her turn to take look at Sadie. She wore simple black yoga pants and bright pink tank top, her hair thrown back messily, her skin rather pale for Sadie, and her voice completely void of makeup. She stared into their matching eyes and noticed how lackluster they were and wished she hadn't been so blinded by her own pain and anger too see that there was something beneath the surface.

She should have known that her sister would never intentionally do anything to hurt her. She should have known that Sadie would never have married Tommy and slept with him while Jude herself was so madly in love with him. She should have _known_, damn it.

"It's not your fault. I know that know. I'm so sorry for all the harsh and hurtful things I've said too you. I'm sorry I didn't believe that you were better than that. I'm sorry that I was so wrapped up in myself that I couldn't even see Sadie, my sister, anymore and not know that there was something wrong," Jude apologized and found Sadie had turned her body so that she was know sitting Indian style, still clenching that damn piece of paper in her hand.

"Tommy was the first person to know I was pregnant…and what happened with Liam. He was there that night. And when he found out I was pregnant he just felt so damn guilty that he was there that night and didn't know what was happening to me in the same building while he was working on one of your tracks," Sadie started to confess, and she started too feel lightheaded from all the details and memories swirling in her head, trying to figure out which lie to fix first.

"Sadie, you don't have to do this…" Jude offered her a way out as one of her hands grabbed Sadie's. Hands that were soft, comforting and so much like her own. Sadie took a deep breath, "No, I need to do this, for you and for me."

"He offered to say he was the baby's father. I tried so hard to say no, even though I knew it would hurt you, but I couldn't see another way out. With Liam missing it would have been so suspicious," Jude nodded her head in understanding, her hand still entwined with her sisters, but this time they were sitting side by side.

"I miscarried but by then we were already "married." I wanted to tell you, and so did Tommy, so badly, but we just didn't know how. I know it sounds like a bad excuse, and it is, but I just couldn't face you and what I had done. But it eats at me everyday. Nightmare after nightmare, and day after day. I just couldn't do this anymore. Neither could he. He loves you so much Jude. He killed him too see what he had done to you,"

Sadie could hear Jude breathe deeply and exhale, wondering what was going on in her head.

"I know," she replied, "but there's so much to fix, so much to forgive. But we're not here to fix Tommy and I. We're here to fix us, Sadie, and figure out where it all went wrong. I just don't get how come you didn't go to me? When Liam, raped you," she struggle with the word "rape" still trying to come to terms with what had happened to her older sister, "Why not tell me? Or Kwest?"

Sadie sighed, and she squeezed Jude's hand to make sure she wasn't going anywhere. This confession was a long time coming and long overdue. No way to turn back now. And she didn't think she could.

"Because I was afraid of you both. You are the two most important people to me and I couldn't deal with how you could look at me."

"Sadie, what happened to you wasn't your fault," Jude declared upon seeing the shame in her sister's eyes, her face falling.

She tried to crack a smile but failed miserably, "I know that know. But back then…I was just so lost. And I couldn't deal with what happened. With what he did. And I couldn't let the same thing happen to you, Jude. I just couldn't. You'd already been through so much. He told me he'd do the same to you, and I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let him break you too. That's why I did it, Jude. He was going to hurt my baby sister, so I killed him before he could do it."

Jude swallowed the lump the rose in her throat, and tried to fight the burning sensation of the bile in her stomach emerging. The thought of Liam hurting Sadie or his hands upon her herself made Jude want to throw up as she imagined the fear and self-loathing Sadie must have felt.

"I was just trying to protect our family, but it wasn't supposed to go that far. I just wanted to scare him. But the thing that I hate most? That I don't regret what I did. And that makes me just as bad as him," Sadie confessed, the sensation of feeling numb and void to her actions nothing new to her. Her only regret that Jude had been hurt anyways.

"No! No, Sadie, you are nothing like him. Do you hear me?" she insisted as she squeezed her sisters hand, their eyes meeting each others.

"I try to tell myself that everyday. It never works, ya know?"

"We'll get through it Sadie. I'll make damn sure of that," Jude reassured her sister, silently praying that she wasn't lying to her sister- or herself for that matter. And just how exactly was she supposed to tell her sister her own dirty little secret ?

Jude sighed heavily and relied on her sister's embrace to keep for her from falling further. The truth only led to more questions, consequences none of them were ready to deal with, ones that no one wants to face.

All they were left with was irrefutable evidence that the world is a cruel.

"So, let me see if I have this right. After he raped her, he threatened to do the same to Jude. Sadie and him fought and she stabbed him in self defense," Kwest recited the events he had been told be Tommy, anger lying underneath the surface of his normally cool tone.

"And Darius is the one who found you two next to the body. You told him the truth and the three of you decided to dispose of Liam?!" he asked rhetorically, incredulous to the events that led to the destruction of the life they had all constructed so well, throwing it off balance.

Tom shook his head in confirmation, unsure of what to say next. After he had told Jude what they knew, she insisted on find Sadie and she had convinced him to go to Kwest and tell him what happened; to tell him the truth and secrets lurking behind the lies that had already destroyed so many lives.

So here he sat on Kwest's couch, contemplating the last few months of his life, wondering how the hell things had gone so wrong so fast.

"Damn it!" Kwest shouted as he punched the wall, an indention through the plaster left with the print of his knuckles, which were now swollen and beginning to bruise. But he couldn't feel that. He only saw red. And he knew that if Sadie hadn't of killed Liam, he would have done it himself.

Kwest swallowed hard at the knowledge that his girlfriend at the time had been raped, and he should have known. He should have been the one to know. And knowing that Liam had no remorse and that he would so much as touch Jude too without hesitation made him sick, the bile turning his stomach.

"Say something, TOM!" he commanded, not being able to bear the silence. The silence made it too easy to think.

"What do you want me to say, huh?! It's not everyday I have to tell my best friend 'Hey, the reason you thought I was the father of Sadie's child is because she was raped and killed her rapist! None of this was ever supposed to happen."

"Man, I know, Tom. I just….God, I….I should have known man. I should have known that you and Sadie would never hurt Jude or me like that," he confessed ashamed.

"Kwest, man, it's not your fault. We didn't for it to happen that way. The story of me being the father was impulsive, but I had to do it. Liam was already missing and if people knew than they might find out. I never wanted to hurt you. And I especially never meant to hurt. Jude…" he trailed off at the thought.

An overwhelming sense of guilt surged through Kwest at the mention of Jude's name, and the look on Tommy's face when he mentioned her.

Tommy was without a doubt in love with Jude. But this was something he couldn't keep secret anymore.

Battle lines drawn and crossed.

The wreckage and chaos the only thing strewn across the battlefield now

Kwest knew he loved Sadie, and always would.

But there's always an exception.

And he couldn't tell where his romantic and platonic feelings for Jude ended and began anymore.

There would be no calm before the storm.

A battle has been won, but a war just begun.

And Kwest couldn't help but wonder whose heart would end up in the carnage this time.

The right thing to do would be to tell Tommy, but there's always that little devil voice inside your head.

And his was screaming that no matter how much he loved Sadie and she needed him, he would be there for her, but he wasn't quite sure if he was ready to give up Jude just yet.

A hand touched his shoulder and brought him out of his thoughts.

"Hey, man, you alright?" Tom asked.

"Not really. It all just feels so surreal. My head is all over the place, man," he admitted and turned to face the other man.

"Yeah, I know the feeling."

"I need to see Sadie," Kwest stated softly.

"Yeah, I need to see Jude," Tom started before exhaling deeply. "Kwest, are we okay?"

"I don't know. It's all a lot to take in," he started and Tommy's eyes displayed a glint of sadness and understanding at the same time, "But I think we'll be okay. I hope…"

Tommy's only response was to nod his head, and their silence resumed.

"Where do we go from here?" Tom asked, sounding as lost as he felt at that moment.

"I don't know, T. I really don't know."

Maybe some secrets were better left untouched.

**A/N: Sorry for the huge delay and all you got was this crappy chapter. It had to be written though.**

**Coming sometime soon:**

"**_I feel like a complete dick for even thinking this, and sure as hell for feeling this way," he admitted, his words close to her face as one hand tucked a blonde strand behind her ear._**

_**She bit her lip, unsure of the feelings that were coming on, trying to fight them, as a shudder expelled through her body. Every part of her head screamed that this was wrong, and she knew it. But she was reveling in the fact that this felt safe. It was safe and familiar.**_

"**_We shouldn't even be thinking about doing this, again" she whispered drawing him closer to her knowing this wasn't going to end the way it should. It should have ended long ago, never even should have started. Her hands came up to cup his face, but his fingers caught her wrists, restraining her from getting there._**

"**_You're right. But I don't think I'm ready to give this up just yet…"_**

Oh come on, you know things weren't going to end up all sappy and crap yet, did you?

Things have only just gotten more complicated.


	10. Hide From You

**Disclaimer:** If I owned a damn thing, I would clearly not be writing this.

**A/N**: Apparently while being so focused on writing I forgot how to count. So this should actually be chapter 9. Also, my apologies on the long delay. I know, I know. I suck. It's kinda short, but hey some Jommy togetherness. Enjoy!

**Chapter 9: Hide from you**

Jude held her beloved Gibson in her hand. One hand was securely wrapped around it's neck. The black neck strap hung around the slender column of her own neck, rubbing against her sensitive skin, while supporting the weight of the guitar. The crunching of the scattered pebbles and dirt littered on the ground beneath her combat boots, crumbling beneath her weight reminding her that she was safe, not one more lingering soul around. The scent of the cool, city night air invaded her senses. Not exactly the most pleasant sense, but it felt right. It brought about a sense of normality and security, something she was used to.

After the day's earlier events, confessions, and revelations had taken their emotional toll, she needed a chance to breathe and just, even if only for a few seconds, forget that the world she didn't want to know was real. She went where her feet and mind took her, where no one would bother to reach for her, or ask her to plaster a smile on her face for a publicity photo.

The studio would be swarming with paparazzi, their fingers clicking away for a chance to see The Jude Harrison. The apartment would be swarmed with hormonal teenage boys, and their musical stylings ringing through the air. So she found another place to condemn to be her solitary confinement.

Jude felt herself relax just a little at the silence and emptiness of the night sky. She stopped and through her pen and notebook on the ground, a slight breeze rustling the pages. She placed her cherry red guitar next to them, not really caring at the moment if the dust or rocks grated and scratched the glistening paint. It was the least of her worries.

Jude inhaled and exhaled deeply and hunched over, her palms lay flat open against the top of the cement barrier that separated her and a five story drop to become an decoration of the asphalt on the ground. Her blue eyes cast down to the world below her.

It was oddly quiet for a Friday night. The sky had turned purple and the stars danced brightly amongst each dulling out the yellowish moon. The streets below just scattered with a few cars and the sidewalks littered with people, both individuals and couples walking slowly, hands entwined. Even from a few stories up, she could hear the shrill laughter of a couple of teenage girls, and she scowled, their laughter hurting her ears. She spotted them and the girls were as she pictured: pretty, blonde, and arm in arm with their jock boyfriends, leaning against them to keep warm in their pink shirts and white skirts.

Strangely enough, as much as she never wanted to be like those girls, she couldn't help but to envy them. She tried to remember a time where she was naïve, carefree, and a little more than faithless. But she couldn't because she never was. It was always something. Her parents fighting, infidelities and lies that they would always be a real family. Sadie and her loathing each other, cheating ex-boyfriends, and unrequited loves. No caramel apples and boxed chocolates with a dozen roses for this girl.

And she knew now more than ever that she would never be _that_ girl.

Faithless once more.

Jude sighed heavily and fought the urge to cry. She dusted her hands off, little indentations from the cracks in the uneven cement. She picked up the pen and notebook, and slithered down to the ground, her back against the cement wall. Jude began writing frantically, the words flowing from her like blood, the pen scratching and staining the surface of the paper as she hummed the melody in her head.

Finally her mind went blank and she reached for the Gibson, and held it securely as she had many times before. Her fingers grazed the strings, as she tried to figure the position of the staring chords, her eyes closed, picturing the notes and lyrics in her head.

_The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight_

_And this is the moment that I live for_

_I can smell the ocean air, and here I am,_

_Pouring my heart onto these rooftops,_

_Just a ghost to the world, _

_And that's exactly what I need_

Jude's smoldering voice filled the emptiness of the air, and she felt a wave of heat hit her and her blue eyes flung open, as she realized she wasn't alone anymore. She had forgotten that she called him and asked him to meet her here. Her hands paused, the last note echoing until it stopped. She opened her mouth to speak, but he beat her to it.

"Keep playing," he instructed as he sat next to her, taking up her space and oxygen. She only nodded and started to play where she left off as she tried to remember how to breathe around him.

_From up here, the city lights burn,_

_Like a thousand miles of fire_

_And I'm here to sing this anthem, _

_Of our dying day_

Jude looked at him, expecting him to say something and too see him staring stoic, and straight ahead, avoiding her, like he usually did when shit happened. But his blue eyes were shut as his head rested against the back of the cement barrier. He almost looked…peaceful.

Then his hand rested on her jean clad thigh and he applied some pressure, silently urging and begging her too keep playing. She swallowed hard and tried to ignore the burning sensation of his hand searing through jeans and scorching her skin. By the grace of God, she was able to keep playing

_For a second I wish the tide would swallow every inch of the city,_

_As you gasp for air tonight._

_I'd scream this song right in your face,_

_If you were here_

_I swear I won't miss a beat,_

_Cause I never have before_

"And that's all I've got for now," she stopped and placed the guitar back on the ground, this time a little more careful than the last.

He nodded, eyes still shut, and made no effort to move. Jude turned her back to him, and slid down, resting her head on his lap, not minding that her clothes would get ashy, or that the pebbles, and sticks were scratching at the exposed skin on her lower back from where her shit had slid up as she laid on the cold ground.

He finally opened his eyes at the feel of her head in his lap and looked down at her, icy blue eyes upon blue eyes.

"Hi," she barely managed to whisper.

"Hey, girl," he smiled at her as if it were the first time he had seen her in years.

"That was good. I liked it. Kind of rough, and you need some more chord variations," Tommy voiced his opinion. "And some more lyrics would help too," he joked.

"Haha. Now shut up, Quincy, before I kick your ass," she retorted forcefully, but a smile played on her face.

"You know I'm right," he responded, with mock arrogance.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," she shot back while rolling her eyes.

"I don't. I don't sleep at all," he whispered as he looked away from her, but his hand had begun stroking her hear, sending tingling sensations through her scalp.

"Tommy,-"

"It's true. All I ever think about at night is how everything got so fucked up… and you. God, Jude I hate myself everyday for hurting you. I miss you so much. I miss talking with you, writing with you, giving you a ride home just so I can stare at you the whole way there. I missed lying in bed with you, holding you knowing that _you_ were _mine. _You haunt me, Jude," Tommy confessed to her, his sensuous voice laced with guilt, and his eyes clouded with longing and regret.

Jude suddenly found the air choking her senseless, her head flooding with the memories they had. The first time he grabbed her hand and held it on the way home. The first time he kissed her and hadn't take it back. The first time he told her he loved her. And the first time they consummated their relationship.

"And you make it hard for me to breathe, Tommy," Jude responded, her eyes now downcast at her fingers fiddling with each other. "You were honest with me, now I'll be honest with you. I was so in love with you. I built my life around you. I lost myself to you, Quincy. And when you "left" me, I realized I didn't know who I was anymore. All because I missed you. Because I _needed _you, more than I should. I depended on you to make me happy. And I hated you for leaving me, and for making me feel like that. That's now who I am. That's not who I _wanted_ to be," she confessed, exposing her secrets too him.

Jude could feel his gaze bearing down into her core, and she fought with everything she had not too look at him, because she might break again. No, she _knew_ she would.

"Jude, look at me," he asked softly, his hand still roaming through her silken tresses stopping every time he returned to her scalp. His eyes fixated on her. Her head was turned to the side, fingers playing with each other, and he watched the rise and fall of her exasperated breathes, deep and struggling as his fingers grazed her skin. He smiled knowingly.

"I can't, Tommy. The worst thing is that I still love you. And I know I always will," Jude told him earnestly, and she silently prayed he wouldn't make her regret saying those words out all. They hurt her too speak and hear them out loud.

A modern day Romeo and Juliet, she decided. She froze when she felt fingertips glide down and trace her collarbone and the sides of her neck, instinctively sending a shiver through her body.

Her thoughts became senseless, words jumbled together, and a fire was building inside of her, scorching her from the insides. She could hear him smirk at her reaction. Tommy knew what he was doing. He knew _exactly _what he was doing as he fingers trailed ever further down to trace the edge of her tank top and cleavage.

"You know I still love you, Jude," he said huskily. He knew he was taking things too far, touching her like that, but he didn't care. It had been too damn long since he had felt her smooth, porcelain skin beneath his fingertips. It really wasn't in his control that his hands seemed too be sliding further and further, until almost inside her bra, her flesh warm beneath his. Really it wasn't his fault.

Jude's arm shot up and her fingers clenched around his wrist, holding him still.

"I didn't come here for this, Tommy," she said venomously to him, and he knew then too back off.

"I'm sorry, Jude. I just…I just needed to touch you damn it!" he shouted angrily, and forced her off his lap and stood up, and she followed suit.

"You don't get it, do you, Quincy? I might still love you, but I'm not yours to play with anymore!" she yelled back at him. It always amazed her how volatile their relationship could be. And yet, she still wanted him more than anything else in the world.

"You think I don't know that, Jude! Well, guess what? I do, and it _kills _me!" he responded stepping violently close to her, his emotions started taking control, and she looked up at him. And for the first time in her life, she swore she was seeing Tommy Quincy start to cry.

His ocean blue eyes glistened in the star-light darkness, and it caused something too stir inside of her.

"Tommy…" his name slipped from her lips in a whisper filled with longing and sympathy, as one hand reached up too cup the side of his face, forcing him too look directly at her.

"I want you, Jude. I want "us" to be an "us" again," he told her. Upon hearing the sadness, and loneliness in his voice, Jude was swarmed with the urge to comfort him, and a sense of guilty. He just sounded so…empty and lost. And she knew that she was the one who was supposed to help him find his way again. But how was she supposed to do that when she didn't even know who or what she was anymore?

"I know you do, Tommy. And so do I," she responded truthfully. "But not until we're _both_ ready."

He nodded silently in understanding and asked "Do you think we'll ever get back what we had?"

Jude dropped her hand from his face and sighed before answering. There were things Tommy needed and deserved to know. Things she wasn't ready to get past, or let go of. Not just yet.

"I honestly don't know. I'm not the same girl I was before. Tommy, I've said and done things I shouldn't have. I'm not the same you Jude knew," Jude told him honestly.

"None of us are the same people who we used to be, Jude," Tommy told her what she already knew and grabbed on her small hands in his larger, calloused one. It was meant to comfort her, but somehow it did the opposite.

Deep down inside Jude knew things couldn't ever be the same between them, even if they did love each other. She had slept with his best friend for Christ sakes. How exactly was he supposed to understand that.? That she found comfort in their situation in his ex best friend's arms and bed. She should have told him right then and there, but she just couldn't. And it wasn't because she didn't want to hurt him, it was for purely selfish reasons.

As much as she loved Tommy, she didn't exactly want to let go of "relationship" between her and Kwest, because in all honesty, somewhere the lines had been blurred between friends with benefits, and something more. What her and Kwest has was simple. It was easy and safe. And her and Tommy were nothing short of a train wreck.

Tommy sighed in frustration out loud and his hand let go of hers at her silence. The second his skin lost contact with hers, she felt cold, and empty. Her decision was already made for her. She knew where her heart was, and always was. She grabbed his hand back and kissed him briefly on the lips, startling him at the contact.

"Take it slow, Tommy. I can't make any promises. We need to be friends first. Get to know _me_ again. And if you can see the girl I really am, the real me, then we have something. There are things you need to know, but you won't get any answers tonight, or tomorrow, or the day after that. I'm still hurt, and I'm not so trusting anymore. I won't give my heart away so easily this time. So Quincy, when and _if_ you get it, don't break it or I'll break you, I can promise you that, " she informed him.

"I'm not letting you get away easily Jude. You belong with me. You're mine. And I promise I'm not only going to make you see that. I'm going to make you believe that. I'm going to make you fall in love with me all over again. And that Jude is my promise to you" he promised her, a predatory grin on his face.

"Stop smirking. You haven't won yet, Quincy."

Tommy smiled. She was right, and he knew he had a lot of work ahead of him. He just couldn't get his words out of her head. _I'm not the same girl I was before. Tommy, I've said and done things I shouldn't have. I'm not the same you Jude knew. _

She just didn't get that he would love her regardless. He just couldn't help but to wonder how much of the Jude he thought he knew was still there. Still there was nothing the girl could do to make him love her any less. _Nothing._

**Next chapter: Hmmm, now let's see. There's some Swest interaction. Is Jude done with Kwest and ready too start going forward with Tommy? Well…not exactly, and if you read the excerpt from end of last chapter you know what I mean. Oh how I enjoy character manipulation. O0o0, and Liam gets undead. Cookies anyone? slaps hand you have to review first. Then you may eat and read some more.**


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